journey to a new life

Just Reporting from Seven Years In...

2012-01-14T20:34:00.000-06:00

No matter what - I am different and I celebrate that different. I am quite clear - I am me and I must treasure me. Nothing else matters. It is liberating - OMG - 40+ years later and I am finally liberated - shall we all have a big :-) and yet is is true.

My joy, my happiness, my well being, ME - I - ME - they do not depend on anything or anyone but me. Oh sure, I still get caught up in the old tapes, the old dramas, the old habits...yep, that's living on the planet. Living here in this skin - breathing - being here is a blessing.

Filled with wonder and gratitude.

Kisses and Hugs and Kisses and Hugs (as far as the eye can see)

Love and Light

2011-12-21T11:25:00.000-06:00

Today is the winter solstice - the longest night, shortest day of the year. This is the night that I fill my home with lighted candles and say blessings for the year that is waning and the new year ahead. I found this post on Facebook; it is beautiful and captures so much.

Tonight is the second night of Hanukkah AND the solstice - I am hosting "Pagan Hanukkah" - lots of candles, blessings, a few latkes and a menorah too. Many blessings to each of you. I hope you enjoy this story:

From an article written by Beth Botts in the Chicago Tribune a few years ago titled, “Out of Darkness, Rebirth.”

OUT of DARKNESS, REBIRTH

The darkest day is the birthday of hope: For many thousands of years, that is what the winter solstice has meant to people all over the world; the shortest day of the year, when night had its greatest dominion. But it also is the day that light begins to grow. And from ancient times -- in imperial Persia and prehistoric Ireland, in Peru and China, in Scandinavia and Rome -- it has provided powerful metaphors of survival and rebirth to help us face the apparent death of the natural world and look on to the season of new growth to come. Many of the customs we associate with Christmas have their roots in pagan winter solstice celebrations from northern Europe, where the longest darkness and deepest cold brought the greatest fear. Thousands of years ago in pre-Christian Scandinavia, a giant oak log was burned to symbolize strength and endurance, as the household gathered around the fire in the face of darkness. That image of the fire on the hearth still is central to our idea of Christmas. Traditionally the log that celebrated Yule -- a name probably derived from an old word for wheel, as the wheel of the year turned -- was big enough to light 12 days of feasting. A fragment would be saved to light next year`s log, symbolizing continuity and rebirth. In Celtic myth, the winter solstice was the time that the Oak King -- who had grown weaker through the fall, just as his sacred trees lost their leaves -- revived to do battle with his evergreen twin, the Holly King. Holly long has been associated with European midwinter celebrations, because it remains green and holds it berries at a time when so much of the forest is gray or brown and seems dead. Later, as a new metaphor arose for light and rebirth, the holly`s berries, like those of mistletoe, came to be associated with the blood of Christ. Evergreens, with their apparent ability to defy winter`s death, long have been sacred in Northern European traditions. At the solstice, evergreens were decorated with offerings to beckon the return of the growing year. After the Middle Ages, the custom began to move indoors, and it entered American tradition after the German-born Prince Albert introduced the Christmas tree to England in 1841. All these customs speak to what the old pagans saw -- the forest dying, the world darkening and closing in and threatening their lives with its deadly cold -- and what they deeply hoped: That underneath it all, the world was still alive. Of course it is. The yews in the front yard may still have red berries, if the birds haven`t gotten them. Cones at the top of pines are ready to fall and drop seeds. Many plants -- such as lilacs -- already have formed the buds of next year`s flowers, bundled up and waiting to bloom. The dead-looking trees that dropped their leaves were merely conserving energy and moisture as they hunkered down to nap. The compost pile may not be cooking, but the busy little microbes are still there, waiting for warmer days. The ground may be frozen at the surface, but a few inches down, roots still are alive and bulbs already hold next year`s tulips and lilies. Many animals are hibernating. But others will be awake all winter, scurrying under the snow or visiting the bird feeder. Unlike ancient pagans, we have science to tell us that the solstice is simply the day when the Earth`s axis tips us farthest from the sun, so the sun appears lowest and weakest in the sky and has the shortest arc. As the Earth tips back, the days will inevitably grow longer. Knowing is one thing. Real comfort comes when we deck our houses with evergreens, light fires and candles, feast with our families to banish cold and dark, sing songs, worship together and tell sacred stories of hope and rebirth. But we can also seize a couple of those fleeting hours of midwinter sunlight to take a walk. Catch the glisten of a berry or the flicker of a bird. Look for the subtle swelling of a bud. Spot the tracks of a field mouse. Remember where we planted the crocuses. Scatter, perhaps, a few seeds of some sturdy native wildflower on the snow, which may float them down to the ground as it melts and keep them moist to germinate in the spring. There is no finer promise of better days to come. Let us find peace in the ancient promise of better days to come.

Peace and joy to everyone. There is more to come.....

Mother --- the next chapter

2011-11-26T17:28:00.000-06:00

It has been awhile since I blogged about my mother. She celebrated her 85th birthday on November 15th - alone in Yountville - how she wants it, because she doesn't want any of her friends to know "how old she really is". We now respect her wishes (paranoia) and don't even think of throwing a party to celebrate milestone occasions like turning eighty-five.

My heart is in turmoil - emotions all mixing together inside - frustration, anger, helplessness, anxiety, admiration, and a deep longing to know that she is safe and not knowing where to start and what to do.

Mother is still living in the little house we purchased 2-1/2 years ago when she moved from the big house. My long-time blog friends may recall that Mother is functionally blind as a result of macular degeneration. She has recently been diagnosed with glaucoma. Macular degeneration destroys the central vision - glaucoma, the peripheral vision. It is now a matter of time - unless they can halt the glaucoma. I fear she is not taking the eye drops - recently she stopped taking the blood pressure meds (AGAIN) and had the 200/250 BP at her appointment.

Mom is getting weaker - less able to get around - more tentative. Since she cannot see, there are many things that just aren't as clean and tidy. The fridge often contains spoiled food - and not just a small amount either.

She has an incontinence problem and often you get a whiff of urine. She doesn't eat properly and often has diarrhea - you can imagine the result of that. She is often confused and yet, she has adapted so well that unless you spend a bit of time with her you would not know.

She refuses to have a regular cleaning person - let alone a weekly companion/housekeeper. She is competent and yet is on the edge. There is a wonderful person that I pay to go visit once a week or so to help with bills and such - but that is touch and go (Mom has no idea she is paid). Mom really likes Cathi but is fiercely guarding her independence; I understand as well I can from my 20 years younger perch. "Independence" - what is that? Safety - Health - Companionship - I am so conflicted.

It is very difficult - time to ponder the next steps. Any thoughts??

PS Mom can afford household help - a companion, etc. So it is not about money. :_(

The Annual Vigil

2011-11-13T12:24:00.002-06:00

i am in San Antonio with youngest son, his wife and our new grandbaby, a beautiful little girl named, Raegan. It is wonderful to be with them, to hold and love this baby; to witness the blessing of my baby parenting; to be in the warmth and to have a break from my familiar surroundings. (I am unable to upload photos as I only have my IPad with me, pics to follow.)

Today marks seven years, seven years ago this day was the last 24 hours that Tom was drawing breath on this earth. Granted, he was in a coma, but he was here, he was warm and we were together. The nearly four days from November 11 to 14 in 2004 remain a blur.

There are things that stick out in sharp relief, inscribed in thick, indelible lines within my very heart.

When I walked into the trauma room in the ER that night, he was on a gurney, his clothing had been cut-off and he was intubated. They let me stay - I quietly stood at the end of that gurney and held fast to his big toe. The floor was littered with the detrius of their life saving actions. I held hope in both hands. Thirty minutes later a nurse took me in a little room and gently told me "it doesn't look good". I clutched hope more firmly and went to ICU.

Looking at the MRI for the first in the early pre-dawn hours - my dearest sister-friend Lisa by my side - it was so clear, the right side of his brain was gone. Still I hoped. i looked at those MRI pictures a half dozen times and hope began to crumble. Removing the breathing tube was the ultimate step to freeing him, but oh so difficult to do and to watch.

Laying beside him in the hospital bed, recounting our meeting, our courtship, our marriage, our love and our lives - this was his last night on earth. In the middle of the night, Cheryl, our nurse came in, gave us a smile and said, "I don't know what you are talking about, but every once in a while his heart rate jumps up there.". We were on the same wave length. Later she returned and as she was leaving, she turned around and said, "enjoy his warmth". I didn't totally understand then - I do now. I will forever feel grateful that on his last night on the planet, I slept in his arms, holding him with all I am or ever will be.

So, here I sit in the kitchen in San Antonio, listening to baby gurgles, feeling sadness mixed with such gratitude and hope. Once again touching the wound that will never quite heal. Memories assail me this morning. There is more to come.........

The "L" Word

2011-11-09T19:36:00.000-06:00

OK, OK - I'll bet you thought I had taken a slow boat to another continent. Well, in some ways I did. I have so many things to write about - the one I want to share tonight is that I am in love. Yes, that's right, the "L" word. I also am loved. That's right the "L" word. It is amazing.

The guy and I have walked a path the last 15 months - singly, together - whatever. We have done the dance - the dance in happy; the dance in the rain - the dance that is scared beyond belief (we both know what it is like to lose the love of your life); the run forward - quick, run back.

Tonight, I can say with a glad heart and a sense of contentment - we love one another. The kind of love that one holds carefully and with joy. The kind of love that is steady, and feels oh so true. The kind of love that acknowledges the preciousness of life.

Right now, we are in the vigil-time of the loss of our spouses - he on October 27 (14 years) - me on November 14 (7 years). We talk about it, cry together, comfort one another and give each other space to be lost in our memories. And through it all - we are here in the blessed here and now.

I have so many things I want to write - I hope each of you are well - I send my love. In my darkest hours I never thought the sun would shine again and I certainly never imagined that I would say the "L" word from the bottom of my heart.

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy. One thing I know for sure - Tom wants me to be happy. There is truly much more to come.

Where to Begin

2011-09-17T22:15:00.001-05:00

I have missed you dear blog and any of my readers who may be left. I am still here on the planet and for that I am grateful.

The Grief Project continues to flower.

The guy and I are here - yes, we are still making our way together. It is difficult to write about our personal things - because they are just that. However, here we are - learning and loving and learning.

Whew -- Changing one's outlook, changes one's world.

Glad to be here with you - love hugs - more to come...

The First Sacred Journey Retreat - A Success!

2011-08-01T10:38:00.001-05:00

Not only has The Grief Project (TGP) launched, we had our first widowed retreat July 23-34 and it surpassed every expectation.

Here are some of the reactions of retreat participants:

"What stands out the most is how "Spirit-led" the entire experience felt. Quakers call such times "gathered meetings" where mysteriously, and mystically, Spirit seems to be present and all feel that presence together. It is as though something greater than all of us is brought into being by our collective longings and love.

I felt the sense of expectancy in the participants immediately when I arrived. I could feel their need to have a meaningful experience and to find some solace for their pain. Talking about how we experience grief in all the different areas of our lives was a wonderful way to begin the retreat, a safe way to ease into the topic and to also begin to immediately feel how much everyone had in common. All of the activities seemed to just flow naturally one into the other, the participants, myself included, being gently prompted towards more and more intimacy through feeling safer and safer as the day progressed. The depth and joy of the labyrinth experience was palpable."

"This weekend of coming together has been the most incredible satisfying experience. It has surpassed all my expectations and is exactly what I’ve been searching for. I lost my husband less than a year ago and have struggled to find a gathering of widowed people. I feel I’ve made some forever friends traveling this same journey. I’ve experienced peace, sadness, loneliness, and AHA moments! Every piece of this retreat was planned with incredible passion & caring. There was time to cry, reflect, learn and laugh. Although we are “strangers” to each other we have developed a bond as close as family. I have learned how to take care of myself and how to continue on…. Hopefully this group will continue to meet and our friendship grow. Suzann, Joan, Lisa, Jean and Kathy and all involved are truly angels sent to comfort others. Suzann & Joan – you have truly made a difference paying it forward is a gift I will cherish and remember forever. My experience learning and using labyrinth is something I will use and remember forever. It is so powerful! Bless you all! Love to you all."

"This retreat was very well worth the time. It was very well organized with amazing content and presenters. I especially enjoyed the labyrinth and learning about them and more about myself. I would enjoy to attend a second one of these with the same people, to build on the relationships and progress. Thank You!"

"Really enjoyed the value brought through the journaling through grief workshop & packing your toolbox. Mind-body & spirit topics, which are all important to healing. Personally I loved the labyrinth work, so peaceful & moving experience. Thank you for so generously giving to the bereaved. A blessing.

The setting was perfect – it was a great start to lasting friendships & connections!! I want to see more with the same group. I look forward to continued renewal & healing! Thank you so much for all your spirit & hard work making this happen!"

"I am so appreciative of all who worked so hard to organize this retreat. I felt the location was wonderful – so much beauty & peace in nature to observe. I liked the size of the group… The pace of the retreat…. The music… the food… and especially the people. While it is sad to hear of so many losses it also gives me hope for life. I hope we can continue interacting on some level as I know our journeys will continue for many years. Blessing to all of you!"

"As the time came closer to attend the retreat I felt more conflicted in whether or not I wanted to attend. It has only been 4 mos. Since my husband death and I was afraid I’d make a fool of myself in front of others. Sometimes the tears start and I think they will never end. I walked into the room and was greeted immediately by Joan with beautiful music playing I the background. I knew immediately that this was exactly where I was meant to be. The weekend brought me a sense of peace, I felt “secure” and it was due to the fact that I was coming among people “who got it”. I have not had this feeling since my husband passed away. The wonderful women who brought this weekend to us were true leaders, their compassion and love could fill an auditorium. I want to stay and never leave! All the workshops were extremely relevant to what I needed. I had no ideas what I needed as I feel most of the time I’m in some type of fog. I will use the tools in the future which will absolutely help me down this path no one wanted or asked for. I feel a depth of gratitude to these extraordinary women who have reached out to us in this time of incredible need and sorrow. I hope and look forward to possible future retreats and get together with “our group”. Thank you from the bottom of my heart."

Highlights from the retreat included an interactive workshop about how grief affects us in areas such as physical, social, emotional, spiritual, and mental followed by a "Journaling your Way through Grief" session. After lunch we reconvened for two sessions.

"Packing your Toolkit" provided information about holistic healing and therapies to access to help people move through through their grief journey. It featured practical, hands-on, natural tools to use everyday to balance mind, body and spirit.

"Telling your Story" gave participants an opportunity to tell their stories, helping to give weight to each journey, to the ongoing experience.

Our dear Lucy Starshadow was in attendance providing a soft presence for everyone - here are photos of Lucy loving the Retreat.

The weekend was heart-centered and spirit led. It was everything we dreamed and so much more. Each participant brought their whole selves and freely shared their hopes, fears, pain and widowed journey.

After five years of dreaming and planning to have this opportunity to be present to others' pain - to be a companion - to bring some light into that dark, dark place - such a blessing. The participants were of every age from 30's to 60's - there were those whose widow journey began 17 years ago and those who lost their spouse a mere 3 months ago. It mattered little. We hand-built a trusting space together - we became a family in two days time. Everyone is looking forward to another gathering with "their group"!

Now we will begin to plan the next gathering - probably in the Twin Cities later in September - an opportunity to come together for more enriching support and ask people to help us plan the next steps of The Grief Project. There is so much more to come..........

Paraphrase of Walt Whitman by my friend: Louis Alemayehu

2011-06-30T17:05:00.002-05:00

I have heard what the talkers were talking,
The talk of the beginning
and the end.
But I do not talk of the beginning
or the end.
There was never anymore beginning
than there are now,
Nor any more youth or age
than there is now,
And never be any more perfection
than there is now,
Nor any more heaven or hell
than there is now.
Clear and sweet is my soul,
And clear and sweet is all that is not my soul.
I welcome every organ and attribute of me
Not an inch,
Not a particle of an inch is vile to me.
I am satisfied –
I see, I dance, I laugh, I sing!
I will go to the bank of the river in the woods
And become undisguised and naked,
I am mad for it all to embrace me.
I am obsessed with the agony and ecstasy of this life!
It all amazes me!

Messengers

2011-06-26T16:41:00.002-05:00

Here we are the day after my birthday - it is my 6th birthday without Tom here on the planet. On my 60th, my evil twin and dearest friend Lisa arrived at the party with a small box (the unmistakable jewelry box box) and said - Tom wanted me to give these to you. Inside: beautiful sapphire and diamond stud earrings. Thank you Lisa - thank you Tom.

One of the pleasures, privileges and a constant in my life before death was that Tom told me EVERYDAY that I was beautiful - it was such an honor and such an amazing thing to have that gift given from the heart.

Last night we went to dinner - the guy and me and my best friends - Joan and Steve. During dinner, Steve looked across the table and said (something like) - you don't look 65 - you look lovely and so youthful. Translate - "you look beautiful"

This afternoon I realized that those messages came straight from Tom's heart and from Steve's heart too. Thank you Tom for coming to visit last night through one of your best brother friends - thank you Steve for being my brother. Namaste.

On the Eve of another Birthday.....

2011-06-24T15:19:00.000-05:00

This is the last day I will be 64 - how did that happen?

It just seems to sneak up on a person.

This is also my 640th blog post! June 18th was this blog's sixth anniversary. To borrow a phrase - "I've come along way, Baby" since this blog began. When I began this "journey to a new life" I had no idea how many amazing people it would bring into my life - I had no idea what a healing force it would be for me and for others. I am blessed to know each of you who visit here - thank you for enriching my life.

Today, I am reminded of a watercolor that hangs downstairs in my guest room. It has the following quote inked around the edges:

We never really grow old it seems, we keep in our hearts our fancies and dreams, and in a corner all tucked away is the child we all were yesterday.

This year of being 64 has been a very good year. It is the year that The Grief Project was born - a dream come true.

It is the year I learned to open my heart again and feel that unmistakable man/woman feeling that I thought was gone forever.

It is the year that my bestest friend J came to the Twin Cites and now we get to see one another all the time - blessings abound.

It has been a year of healing and growth - the year that I know for sure that I am blessed beyond all imagining. I am grateful for my work, my home, my health, my heart, my friends and family and for my resiliency.

Standing here on the brink of 65 is a pretty good place to stand.

I just took these photos with my computer to mark this day - the last day I will be 64. There is more to come.....

The Beginning of the End

2011-06-19T17:25:00.004-05:00

And oh it makes me sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. I suppose once your heart is ripped out by its roots and once you have walked that pain-filled WidowRoad, how can anything hurt worse? It can't.

Yet, I stood in the shower this afternoon and wept.

It is not the sadness that hurts me. It is the loss of the potential of something very wonderful. I cannot settle and I cannot change anything or anyone but me.

So, I will just have to be sad.....I believe there is much more to come.

Life is Precious

2011-06-02T07:50:00.000-05:00

This is a poem by an unknown author. I have come across it a few times, and today, when it ended up in my mailbox again, I thought it would be a good thing to share.

———————————-

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support,to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are..

They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, Things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you are a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Leading with My Heart

2011-05-15T15:57:00.000-05:00

I don't often write about the guy - he is very special to me. I have been struggling inside - where is this relationship headed? What does this mean - are we two single people hanging out until the next step comes along in life? Are we two single people standing together seeing if we can become a couple - in it for the long haul? What does the future hold?

We have very similar values in most areas of our lives. We both come from a very liberal perspective about the world. We walk and talk. We hold hands and hug. We laugh - oh, how we laugh. We love to snuggle and stay in bed on Sunday morning with coffee and the newspaper. We smooch. We watch movies in bed with popcorn and red wine. We dog walk and talk about the future. Things that both of us love - gardens, canning, flowers, growing tomatoes and green beans, fresh baked bread and cottages.

We generally do not see one another during the week due to work but we talk on the phone and text many, many times each day.

We have now been seeing one another for 9 months. At times, I feel like I run forward and then run back. I want to have a future that includes him and then I am unsure of it all - including how he feels and how I feel.

Here in the burgeoning springtime with my birthday just ahead - this morning I finally asked - "are we 2 single people hanging out or are we 2 single people being here to see if there is a committed couple emerging from this relationship."

We are stepping forward to see what commitment the next months bring - leading with one's heart is so frightening - leading with one's heart takes courage - leading with one's heart means you are true to yourself - I am glad I led with my heart this morning. Namaste.

The Grief Project

2011-05-08T23:03:00.001-05:00

Please visit our new website. The Grief Project. It is the dream of my heart and now it lives. I have walked with other widowed people for the last several years, it is my new life's work. This project is the formal part of that work. A call to action for those who wish to help. A safe place for those in pain. Please visit the website and let me know what you think.

Tonight I am in bed writing this on my IPad. I am having a bit of trouble sleeping. Tonight I miss Tom with an intensity that I have not felt in a long time. Tears. Longing. Anger that he is gone. Wishing for a life that vanished so long ago. Wishing for my husband who loved me to the bottom of his heart and told me so daily. Wishing for his shoulder to lay my head on, wishing for his hand to hold, wishing for his gentleness, his easy manner, his unconditional love. Even after six and a half years my pillow is wet with tears. I miss you honey - I miss you.

Reflections on the Eve of a Launching a Dream

2011-05-05T21:26:00.001-05:00

This week is a tornado of activity - my work is very complex, this is the part of leadership transition that is the most chaotic - it is a critical time of engagement with the board, staff and community and it is a time to collect a great deal of data as part of a deep organizational assessment. This week is also the week that I have been preparing to launch The Grief Project website. This is the project I have mentioned over the years - it is a project that has captured my heart and soul. I have dreamed it and worked on it since 2005 - every so often putting it temporarily on hold while I honored my own journey and healed.

My work with organizations used to be my life's work - now it is the work I enjoy, but it has become the thing I do to fund and fuel the my new life's work - companioning the bereaved. What a blessing.

This week, as I have worked early, early in the morning and late into the night - with client work in between - Tom has been very present. I have driven by the old familiar places and a couple of times I have felt that old, old tug in my heart. Tears in eyes and longing in my heart, a frequent refrain the last few days.

Last weekend was Tom's birthday. For the first time, my guy and I went to the cemetery together. He helped me to select flowers and drove me to Fort Snelling. It was an amazing experience. At one point I turned around and he had tears in his eyes as did I. He knows - he will long for his late wife until the end of his own days. Joy and Sorrow. Life.

I feel so fortunate to have walked the deepest, darkest path through the arid desert and burning hell of the grief journey. I feel so fortunate to have this relationship with a man who has walked his own painful road. Here we are - survivors - standing in the light - walking hand in hand and taking it a step at a time. Laughing, playing, sharing tender moments, looking forward - just being, being together in the moment.

What an appropriate thing tonight - to honor Tom and know that this new project will make a difference to so many. Thank you Tom for all you gave to me - thank you for watching as this dream comes true. Thank you Spirit - blessings abound.

Oh Dear

2011-04-29T10:58:00.001-05:00

I can't believe it has been almost a month since my last post - bad on me! I have begun a new leadership transition gig and have been devoting a lot of time to The Grief Project. That's right after five years the project is alive and about to be launched.

I hope you have a happy Friday and I PROMISE that once the new project is launched this blog will once more be a happening place. Love and Light to All xoxoxo

Update Two

2011-03-31T09:07:00.000-05:00

Just when you think everything is OK -- last Sunday, my weird symptoms returned. Sunday afternoon I went to the Emergency Room and they kept me for observation. I had another MRI on Sunday evening and it was conclusive that not only was I not having another incident, they no longer could see the mark from the earlier stroke.

On Monday, I had the heart test (TEE) to be sure I had no heart abnormality that could cause problems - that test came back totally negative. The neurologist told me that cardiologists generally find something wrong with everyone's heart and couldn't find anything wrong with mine.

Dr. H thinks that perhaps my anxiety got the best of me on Sunday - after all I know too much (first-hand) about what a stroke can do to a person in the long-term.

On Monday late afternoon I was released from the hospital and given a clean bill of health. I can return to working out and resume all my daily activities. I was given quite a bit of sedatives for all these tests and so I slept most of the day Tuesday. I also have taken some quiet time to reflect on everything that happened - it had a positive outcome and for that, I am very grateful. I am here now and ready to resume my life journey.

What a trip this has been - thank you for your messages, prayers and positive thoughts. I have been off my exercise and eating program for a week and am ready to jump back in.

I am totally grateful for my life, for the sunshine outside my window right now, for my friends that helped me during this past week, for my home, for the Spring that is happening under the melting snow, and that I can return = renewed and ready for the next steps on the journey.

Thank you so much for being my companions and my inspiration on the journey.

Update......

2011-03-25T15:25:00.000-05:00

I just came back from Neurologist. I did indeed have a stroke, not a TIA, a stroke for god's sake - amazing.

The doc thought so too - he said that with my profile of healthy eating, lots of exercise, no clogged arteries (MRI looked at my carotid arteries and all the arteries in my neck going to brain), no heart problems, no high blood pressure, no high cholesterol - that I am "the last in line" for a stroke. Go figure. The MRI showed a tiny "scar" on the left side of my thalamus - a tiny pinpoint that happened in the last 3-4 days.

He put me on a statin drug to get my cholesterol below normal and I am to take one full strength aspirin a day. I am going to have a diagnostic heart test where you "swallow" a tiny camera and they look at your heart to be sure there are no structural abnormalities that could cause a clot. Otherwise I am fine - the dizziness and tingly hand and foot have resolved themselves. My energy is coming back. Of course, after watching Tom have a stroke in front of me - after living nearly 5 years in stroke disability and recovery - it makes me sad and a bit nervous. The doc said to not worry - I am healthy and that it was an isolated incident. He will continue to see me and monitor things for a while. So strange - I am so healthy - no medications, no "conditions", not much illness to speak of.

Sure has made me reflect and take time to think - I didn't sleep much last night. I am going to take a nap now - it has been a really full couple of days. Life is mysterious. I love each of you very much - you are a treasure to me. Thank you for your words of encouragement and support. xo

Well

2011-03-24T20:59:00.000-05:00

For the past three days I have been feeling dizzy, a bit disoriented, and a little clumsy once in awhile. Yesterday I stayed home and slept all day. Today I went to the doctor.

I am not a person who is a big user of western medicine. I am very healthy. I take no prescription medications. I workout most days every week - weight training, pilates, and cardio. I eat healthy - lean protein, veggies, whole grains. I do NOT eat fast food, EVER. I do not smoke - five years now. By and large - I am healthy, active, vital.

It turns out that sometime in the last 2 to 3 days I had a very small stroke - OMG = my faithful readers know I have a history with stroke - that is what killed Tom. This was a tiny TIA but still - what a shock. I had an MRI today and a full cardio workup - I have no clogged arteries - I have nothing that needs surgery or other intervention. Tomorrow I go to the neurologist. The doctor wants me to take a full aspirin a day - instead of the two baby aspirin I usually take.

This has been a scary thing - but yet, the doc wanted to rule out brain tumor so I guess all is good. Life is precious - make sure you are living it the way you want. More to come........

Baby Steps

2011-03-15T08:22:00.000-05:00

I have not updated the blog in a couple of weeks. It has been a time of patience, impatience, sadness, joy, reflection and waiting. The guy and I continue to see one another and enjoy each other's company. He is a wonderful man and I truly care about him as he also cares deeply about me. We will take baby steps and see where it leads.

I am strong and resilient in my approach to life and to the future. Sadness (as you know) is just a part of being alive - on balance I certainly have more joy than sadness these days and that is a blessing.

Knowing when to move forward and when to step back. Knowing when to continue and when to stop. Knowing - I pray for patience and also know that I have this "one wild and precious life" and I want certain things. I deserve to be with someone who adores me and will allow me to adore them. I deserve to have the passion and excitement of new love that matures and mellows with time - always with that spark. So here we are - baby steps, baby steps, baby steps into the future. For now, we are taking those steps holding hands......there is more to come.

After Changes Upon Changes

2011-03-01T10:46:00.000-06:00

I do not know what lies just ahead. I have blogged that I believed the man who I have been sharing my life experiences with the past seven months was here in my life for awhile. It appears I was correct.

We care deeply for one another - we have fun and laugh incessantly. We have made some wonderful memories. We hold hands and hug and kiss a million times a day when we are together. We do the simple things of life that are so important and we have fun doing so. It appears that it all is about to be just that - wonderful memories.

Am I sad? Of course! Will I live? Absolutely. Once you have had your heart abruptly torn out, there is little that can happen to bring you down for long.

As I wrote in the beginning - I don't know what the next steps are between us. We will be friends - but if this moves forward in this manner then we will not see one another for a bit - I can't change channels that fast.

Yesterday, I stayed home and stayed in bed, reading, reflecting and yes, shedding a few tears. He and I talked on the phone several times. Today, he still sent me his early morning text - we talked at 5:30 am like we do everyday. Today - the sun is shining. I am up and ready to go to work. Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps into my future. That is all any of us can do. Namaste.

Celebrate Life!!

2011-02-23T06:53:00.000-06:00

Today is my 58 month anniversary of quitting cigarettes FOREVER!! I am so happy and so proud that I kicked the old demon nicotine squarely in the butt and out of my life.

I used the support website Quitnet (www.quitnet.com) - it worked! Here are my stats that came in my email today:

Your Quit Date is: Sunday, April 23, 2006 at 9:35:00 PM

Time Smoke-Free: 1766 days, 6 hours, 30 minutes and 7 seconds

Cigarettes NOT smoked: 26494

Lifetime Saved: 6 months, 22 days, 9 hours

Money Saved: $5,963.62

In this case, it is your money AND your life.

PS For those who are new to my blog - my quit date is also the birth date of my dear husband Tom - it was a gift to him and to myself to quit on that date.

Walking the Widow Road

2011-02-17T13:14:00.001-06:00

The fiery widowed road is beyond the understanding of anyone who has not been forced to tread its path of pain and sorrow. In the early parts of the journey, there are days that death seems preferable to continuing to arise and face another morning.

Slowly oh so slowly - we heal - slowly oh so slowly - we create a new life. In my early widow years it was inconceivable that life could EVER be joyful again.

Slowly oh so slowly - we put one foot in front of the other on the devastating widowed road. There comes the day we first smile and immediately feel guilty - "he is dead", what is wrong with me?!

There are days we feel we can face life with some optimism and ten minutes later we fall into the deep, black hole of tears and hopelessness. Somehow, we manage to dig ourselves out of the ravages (over and over) to face another day.

One day at a time - one foot in front of the other - the beat goes on - somehow.

The journey brings many lessons, real lessons, not words - they have become the values that guide my life.

Love is all that matters.
We have nothing but this moment in which we stand
Material things are transitory at best
Take no person for granted
Never leave those you love in anger
A person can withstand more pain than one ever imagined
True friends stand with you - no matter what!
Kindness and time are the greatest gifts we can give

Now in my seventh year of widowhood (six years in November) I have found a companion. A man who has walked his own widowed road. Slowly oh so slowly we are developing a deep, deep care for one another. Slowly oh so slowly I am opening my heart to the possibilities. Slowly oh so slowly I am coming to the place that I can say from very deep in my heart and soul - how I feel. Stay tuned for more......

Juggling......

2011-01-30T21:48:00.000-06:00

It has been way too long since I posted - way too long. I have been juggling a lot of things - new projects, catching up on professional reading, a huge fitness challenge that I embarked on about a month ago, time with friends (not as much a hermit as I have been the last few years) and busy with the things of daily living.

I have been working out at a really ferocious rate - increasing my exercise by at least 50%. For a bit my knees were really bothering me from doing so much high intensity interval cardio work on the treadmill. No more pain as now I have discovered the recumbent bike and it's much easier on these old knees. This week, in addition to 2 weight training sessions with Suzy and my cardio, I plan to do a Zumba class and a core training class, both at the YMCA.

I have much, much more to share with you. Some of my dear readers may remember that a few years ago I tried to start an initiative called, "The Grief Project" and I just couldn't do it then. I was too raw, too deep in my own bereavement. Now is the time.

The Grief Project is being initiated now. I will do a post this week with all the details. It is exciting and fulfilling a long held dream of mine. I will also blog soon about my fitness program and the challenge. It is an exciting mind, body and spirit endeavor.

Glad to be back at the blog = there is more to come.....

Choices

2011-01-09T20:18:00.000-06:00

Blessings for the New Year

2011-01-03T13:19:00.000-06:00

"Traveler, there is no road.

We make the road by walking."

Antonio Machado

Reflections

2010-12-30T15:28:00.000-06:00

This has been a year of laughter, tears, service, heart, soul, friendship, delight, confusion, and many blessings. This is the year that I can stand here whole again after six years of widowhood. Healed? No. Done? No. Like I was Before? Never!! Transformed? To my very core.

The photo is the tree I decorated for Christmas - it seems fitting to have this be the primary photo in this post as it signifies the green and growing nature of my life and spirit right now.

What do I know? I know that I am a strong and resilient soul who is loyal and steadfast to those values and people that are important to me. I know that I like the person that has emerged from this grief journey. I know that I am strong in the broken places. I know that I can stand alone and create a beautiful life each day. I know that I am a good and loving companion to the right man should he come along. I know that I am grateful for the companionship of the man that is currently in my life - he needed a place to come for awhile and I needed to open my heart again and see how I have changed.

One of my intentions for 2010 was to "Practice Self-Compassion" - a difficult thing to do. Most of us are so good at being compassionate towards others and suck at doing the same for ourselves. I made strides forward this year. Have I learned to do this now?   Nope - but I am getting better and better. Treating myself well - forgiving myself - embracing my own humanity - celebrating my accomplishments - being a well-loved, self-contained woman, filled with gratitude for all that spirit has brought to my life - those are the things that I am learning and practicing and relearning and practicing and getting better and better at doing.   It has brought such balance to my life.   This photo is the mantra that I taped to my bathroom mirror this year - it has helped to moderate my "inner critic" voice - I sing it sometimes :-) and it is true. Here it is: "WHOLE, CAPABLE, RESOURCEFUL, CREATIVE, RESILIENT."

I am grateful for my work and can say with a whole heart that my work has made a lasting difference to many. I am grateful for Jonathan, my dearest brother and business partner, we stand united in our deepest values while preparing ourselves for the uncertain future - remaining committed to doing this work together.

I am blessed that my BFF and a day - Joan - who my long-time readers will recognize as "J" - has moved to Minnesota and now lives 2 miles from me. A long-held dream for both of us.   The last time we lived this close was 1979-1980, when we shared an apartment in California with our two boys.   Many new things will come to fruition in 2011 for us both!!

I have continued to keep my commitment to fitness by faithfully seeing my personal trainer, Suzy Levi, for functional fitness and Pilates training.   I am now in my third year of weekly sessions with Suzy and am stronger, have better balance, and know that exercise and movement are the keys to active aging and good health. In addition to the physical fitness side of things - Suzy and I have developed a treasured relationship - fitness is about more than the physical side of things.

Another of my intentions this year was to "do push-ups at least five days a week" and for the most part I have done that - I can now do a set of 50 push ups!! - that 's right - FIFTY.   When I first began to see Suzy in 2007, one of things I wanted to do (but didn't think I could) was push ups. She just smiled and said, "oh you will, that's just the beginning." She was right about that.

"Supporting those in Grief and Life Transitions" has been an ongoing intention the past three years. I have continued to be present to and part of the grief journey of many widowed who (unfortunately) have followed me on the widowed road. This next year holds a renewal of "The Grief Project" - the dream I have held in my heart the past five years will finally become a reality. Much more to come about this new endeavor of hope and love.

I met a man this year who has been a wonderful companion. He also has walked his own widowed road and so we share a very deep understanding of loss and renewal. We have laughed and loved, and done many simple everyday kinds of things together. He is a simple yet complex man and while I feel deeply for him in my heart - I think this is a just for now and a blessed time for both of us. We needed this and are enjoying it as the old year comes to a close a new year begins.

This year has been busy = has been revelatory = has been fun and filled with good work and laughter. There are some changes to come - that's life - there is so much to look forward to.

While I have not been very faithful in posting to this blog the last few months - doesn't mean it is not important to me. It has brought some of the most wonderful people into my life. I appreciate and love each of you. I hope the new year holds all comfort, joy, blessings and love for each of you. There is much more to come........................

Whoa - it's been too long ------

2010-12-11T22:12:00.005-06:00

I have not posted since the day before Thanksgiving - much too long. One reason: I was on vacation for two weeks. I did not "go away" for vacation - I stayed right here at home. I nursed my cold, baked cookies, played with the animals (Miss Kitty the resident feline and Foxy the doggie visitor that I love). I read books, cleaned a few closets, made a couple of gallons of chicken soup and celebrated Hanukkah.

Just as I was healing from my cold, complete with chills, runny nose, cough and general malaise - the guy fell ill. Ratz! We have been taking it easy. Lots of juice, soup, and naps. Finally feeling better and hoping that this is the only cold we each have this year. We can put that stuff behind us.

Don't know if you have heard: Minnesota is in the midst of a blizzard. It is the largest snowfall I have experienced since I arrived in 1988. Something like 1-2 inches snowfall per hour; tiny grains of snow that don't let up.

We have had a wonderful day today. The guy and I shoveled and walked and talked and shoveled and walked outside again in over the knee deep snow, came inside and drank hot coffee with Bailey's and then walked outside some more. Both of us are hyperactive kids - that's for sure. This photo is looking out my front door. It has snowed for at least 5 additional hours since this was taken.

It began snowing on Friday night sometime after 11 pm. The amount of snow is astounding - I think we are at 16 plus inches and it is still snowing tonight (Saturday) at nearly 10 pm. When you live in Minnesota - you get to live in winter - cold, snow, ice, real winter. One amazing bonus you get once in a great while is this blizzard - a chance to have everything just stop. The silence of winter, wrapped in white.

Sorry that I have been so silent - I am ready to return to more regular posting - so many interesting things happening in my life. After so much sorrow - after the after - I am blessed and filled with joy. If you are in the path of this winter storm - stay home sta7 warm. Light and love flows out.

Gratitude

2010-11-24T17:29:00.000-06:00

I am so incredibly grateful for all my blessings. For the past 22 months I have worked as an interim leader in a battered women's shelter, a family homeless shelter and a food bank.

The work is very sobering and also a blessing. To be part of making a difference in the lives of others is a privilege. That we have so many hungry, homeless, desperate women, men and children in this country is a scandal.

As Thanksgiving approaches I can only fall to my knees in gratitude for my life. I have food, shelter, personal safety, friends, family by blood and precious family of choice. I have walked the widow road and stand here - whole, capable, resourceful, resilient and alive. I have opened my heart again and have a new man friend that I respect and care for. My life is filled with laughter and companionship.

I have an amazing group of friends that I have never met but am connected at the heart right here on these blogs that we lovingly keep. I am filled with gratitude for the support, the care and concern, the guidance and the love each of you have given to me over the last five years that I have written here. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Blessings abound.

2010-11-17T14:24:00.000-06:00

I like not only to be loved, but also to be told that I am loved.

I am not sure that you are of the same mind, but the realm of silence is large enough beyond the grave.

This is the world of light and speech, and I
shall take leave to tell you that you are very dear.

- George Eliot

Wordless

2010-11-14T18:16:00.000-06:00

Decisions....

2010-11-14T12:34:00.000-06:00

We all are called upon to make decisions - every kind of decision - some very easy (do you want fries with that?) and some more difficult (do you want to remove your unconscious husband's respirator?).

Six years ago I was called upon to make that decision. To literally have another's life in your hands is frightening beyond words. What a terrible dilemma - never mind that we had discussed this and agreed that we would never let the other be incapacitated to that degree.

Never mind that Tom's right brain was destroyed - it was blank on the MRI. The neurologist said she didn't think he could wake up because of the extensive new damage coupled with the damage on the other side of his brain from two previous strokes. Never mind that the Doc felt that even if he awoke he probably would be deaf, blind, have limited, if any, higher functioning. Never mind that Tom was already frustrated by the deficits caused by earlier CVAs. Never mind, never mind, never mind.

I looked at those MRI's many times over a day and a half - with my dear sister Lisa and then with my dear sister Joan - guided by the neurologist, a no-nonsense chinese-american woman. She returned to show the MRI when I needed to see it; each time she patiently described what I was seeing on the image.

Even though I knew what Tom wanted - how gut wrenching to finally say, "do it" - I stood by the bed while they took the breathing tube out of his throat - holding his feet with one hand and clasping Joan's hand with the other.

It was the right thing to do; the fulfillment of a sacred commitment and promise - I hope that I am never called upon to make that decision again.

The Journal

2010-11-11T01:32:00.004-06:00

I have been keeping journals since I was 18 years old and before that it was diaries and the like. I have a journal that I faithfully kept (and wrote in nearly everyday) for the first six months of my widowhood.

Writing in it was one of the only things that kept my sanity - as much sanity as one can have at that point. I tuck that journal away and bring it out once a year - this is that time of year. I have only read it four times now, this year is the fifth time. There is so much pain on those pages that it sometimes has almost scorched the skin off my face and yet, it is a chronicle of faith and pain and love and life after death.

Tonight (or to be more exact, this morning - since I cannot sleep - it is now November 11th) I began to read it again. Here is an entry from that journal - the photo above was taken on the day this was written. A frigid day at Fort Snelling - I can still hear the sound of my heart pounding as I walked against the wind - uphill to that place for the first time - hand in hand with my dearest sister and friend.....

December 11, 2004 - 4:20 pm

Hello My Darling,

Today I went to see your grave for the first time - Lisa took me and the beautiful grave blanket that I had made - it is covering your memorial spot right now -------> and now I know for sure, for real: you are no longer in your body.

Your headstone says, "Our Strength and Our Guide" - You were just that you know. The past few years have been ------------>

Oh, I am so fortunate to have had you with me these past few years - they were years of challenge, of love, of laughter, of sorrow, of (stroke-induced) deficits, of joy, of courage, of our marriage.

I know how tired you were sweetheart. You of the beautiful smile.

I cooked Latkes last night - it was the fourth night of Hanukkah - Susan and Bonnie came to eat with me. When I opened the cupboard to get the food processor I realized that "my tall guy" just isn't here anymore - I guess I need a kitchen with shorter cupboards.

Today when I stood at your headstone - oh my god - wanted to lie down on that grave blanket and never get up = out there on that cold and lonely field - I wanted to lie there like I could hug you forever - lay down with you for eternity.

The last few nights I have laid in bed and I memorize your body - your sturdy calves, your tiny butt, your strong chest to lie my head upon, your sensitive fingers, your long, elegant feet. Those feet that I kissed after you passed.

Remember how frustrated you were that it was difficult to cut your toenails in the aftermath of the stroke and how I would cut them for you? How I would say - "when we are both old, you will cut mine too - we will cut each others' nails." And you would smile.

I remember the mole on your forearm that made me nervous. Your craggy face that showed your character, your life, your compassion, your intellect, your wit, your love. Your easy smile - you who were so quick to smile - a genuine smile. Your 36 inch waist that you were proud of - a 6 foot 3-1/2 inch tall guy who would never have a "gut" - you were adamant on that point.

You had such a built-in sense of responsibility. You held yourself accountable to those values and those things that were important to you. We had shared values - we saved and we loved. You loved me to the bottom of your heart and that is about the only thing that can keep me grounded at all right now.

Remembering your physical being - your strong thighs - your ears (I cut the little hairs that grew there) - your smile, your great booming laugh, how you laughed. Oh how I loved having a tall husband. Remember when I would watch my weight and lose a few pounds - when we would hug you would pick me up, swing me around, hug me tight and say, "wow, I really feel it!"

Right now, I am sitting on the kitchen stool and right behind me is our "big hug place." It will forever be a place in this house that I cherish. It is also our dancing in the kitchen spot - filled with so many memories. Standing on my tip toes to be engulfed in your arms and say, "it's so nice to have a tall husband" and you would smile that big loving smile.

I feel your arms around me and surround me - oh if it could only be so. I miss you so dreadfully, my heart is broken in tiny pieces, my life seems pointless, I love you forever and a day. Suzann

Here I am nearly six years later - in a new life that I have hand-forged from sorrow and the desolate wasteland of widowhood. I am happy. I have a satisfying life - good work, wonderful friends, family of blood and choice, and dreams for the future. And yet, tonight I say, I will love you for forever and a day and never as long I am breathing on this planet will November ever come without remembering this man that gave me so much, who taught me so much and who loved me unconditionally until his own last breath. I am a fortunate woman and I celebrate the life of Tom Murray - Namaste.

The November Vigil Begins.......

2010-11-09T21:19:00.000-06:00

Soon it will be six years since you left me here on this earth.

November 11th - I arrive home to find you on the floor mortally wounded from another stroke.

The days in the ICU - the three-day journey with only one inevitable destination.

The music, the flag being given to me,

the gatherings of people who loved you so - everything a swirl of disjointed images.

These are the days of remembrance - now it comes again - the flood of feelings,

tears and laughter - loss and longing.

Remembering the laughter, the fun, the friendship - the unconditional love.

Remembering YOU.

The vigil is about to begin.

The Invitation

2010-11-09T08:50:00.000-06:00

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

By Oriah © Mountain Dreaming,
from the book The Invitation
published by HarperONE, San Francisco,
1999 All rights reserved

What I Know Tonight

2010-11-05T23:41:00.001-05:00

I am grateful for my life -- deeply grateful. I am more blessed than words can ever express. This man who has come galloping into my life is supposed to be here for a bit - right now - in this moment.

I looked at him asleep just now and I know - I am loving it and learning from it. Funny how things have a way of happening.

Just a Drive By

2010-11-03T08:29:00.002-05:00

Yes, I have been fairly silent these days ---- I am about to complete my current interim leadership gig and then plan to take some well earned time off from the frenetic world of transition leadership. November, December and January will be much quieter. Time to reflect, write, work on Dendros projects that are calling my name and time to blog.

Winter is on its way - what a lovely time for some quiet time. More to come.....

Meeting the Woman I Have Become

2010-10-23T22:31:00.003-05:00

I am meeting my new self and I like her. She was birthed along the twisted widowed road. She can love again - she can give her heart. She can live in the moment and when she gets ahead of herself - most times, she can come back to that centered place inside. She can fling fear aside and step forward. She can be here in the moment. She can forgive herself and others. I embrace her - she is the old me and more.

This is not about love affairs. Oh, I do adore this blue-eyed guy and his arrival has been a gift. He has given me hugs, laughter, kisses and companionship. Is there a little part of me that suspects he might be here for many seasons? Yes - however, today is just fine. And if that is not to be - so be it. My happiness is not dependent upon one person.

I have written much about the personal transformation brought about by my widowed journey. How amazing it is to meet the new woman I have become and feel the transformation deep in my bones and in my spirit.

The next doors are opening - oh yes, my dear blog readers - I am here. I am whole. Strong, capable, creative, resilient. I am meeting my new self. I embrace this transformed woman - she is worth it. Oh Sister Moon - Great Spirit - thank you.

Laughter and Love

2010-10-20T21:33:00.000-05:00

My life is abundant with blessings. My work is bearing fruit. My relationship with this blue-eyed guy is amazing. There is laughter in my life. There is love in my life. There is companionship. What a joy to do life's simple things and have a friend and lover to do them with - cooking a meal, raking the leaves, walking the dog, making the bed. Simple everyday things that are so precious to share with someone else.

I have laughed more in the last three months than I have laughed in the previous five years - real laughter - the kind that makes your stomach hurt. Real joy. Real sharing. Real caring.

This relationship is easy. We have many, many shared values. We both have walked the widowed road and know some very deep and dark truths. We spend time together and time apart. We laugh together and we have cried together. There is respect. There is affection - oh those kisses! So one small step at a time - here on the other side of a very long road - my feet on a new path. My heart filled with gratitude and with wonder at what is happening in my life. Namaste.

Building Community

2010-10-01T12:01:00.000-05:00

My very best friend for more than 40 years just moved from Jacksonville, Florida to St. Paul. She and her husband have rented a really cool pad across the street from the Farmer's Market, 3 blocks from my office and 2.5 miles from my house.

We met one another in the 1960's in San Francisco and then again in the mountains of New Mexico. We have seen one another through so many things - births, deaths, and rebirth. We have not lived close to one another since 1980 when we shared an apartment with our two boys - one then a teen and the other a toddler. Here we are again - both boys all grown with children of their own. It is a joy and a blessing that we will have this time together - this incredibly precious time.

We are looking forward to long afternoons of soup making, bread baking, book reading, soul sharing.....you know, the things women sister-friends do so well. Blessings abound.

Unconditional Love

2010-09-19T15:17:00.002-05:00

Tom passed at 7:30 am on Sunday, November 14th. Earlier that morning, I wrote in my journal - about gratitude, gratitude that we had our life and our love. Tom was buried on Thursday, November 18th, they handed me the folded American flag sometime just after noon. After midnight on his burial day, and after countless drinks at his Irish Wake, which was filled with laughter, tears and lots of whiskey, I again wrote in my journal. That night I wrote again about gratefulness - for our lives together - the precious celebration that we found and held fast to one another.

This weekend I was standing outside with my sweetheart, who has walked his own widowed road, when I said that thing we widowed often say to one another - "the journey we didn't ask to take." His immediate response, "oh yes, we knew when we married." For a moment I was puzzled, thinking of strokes and cancer and care giving and standing helpless, standing witness to the end of the person you love so deeply.

We were standing shoulder to shoulder, hands clasped and he simply said, "of course, 'till death do us part." The fulfillment of the vows - unconditional love - not a fairy tale - authentic love.

After nearly six years of widowhood - I am grateful to have this man burst into my life. We both know that unconditional love - in all its messiness and all its humanness - is possible.

Breathing

2010-09-13T10:39:00.001-05:00

Inhale
Exhale

Remind yourself
"Fear is a bio-chemical phenomenon"

Inhale
Exhale

Laugh
Laugh some more

Inhale
Exhale

Kiss
Kiss some more

Inhale
Inhale
Inhale

Step back
Remind yourself
"Fear is a bio-chemical phemonenon"

EXHALE
Step forward
Lead with your heart

Inhale
Exhale

Listen to the breathing next to you
In the dark

Reach over
Engulfed in warmth

Inhale
Exhale

Remind yourself
"To hell with fear!"

Relax
Exhale

The Past is Approved - The Future is Open

2010-09-10T09:45:00.003-05:00

Death is powerful. You do not know what it is like to live until you have experienced death first hand, up close and personal. I may not be living in the past anymore but it still effects who I am today.

That is a quote from a widow I met on Facebook. It is so true. As the years have passed since Tom's death, I have often thought and wrote about this new life and how much it has changed since his passing. If Tom walked in the door today - he would not recognize the house since it has been remodeled; he would not recognize the backyard since I put in the patio we were planning to add; what else would he not recognize?

The transformation after the death of your life partner profoundly smashes your world. It shakes everything to its core - you think, "death doesn't scare me, in fact it hurts so much death would feel better." It makes you open your doors wide and welcome death in. It brings you to your knees over and over again. It shares its truths with you - life is short - those are not just words anymore.

One thing I know after experiencing "death first hand, up close and personal" is that I can open my heart quite easily to those who need the hand, the heart, the silence, the support, the companionship during their own personal journey. I also can more easily recognize those who are truly friends and those who are going through the motions. I have no interest in sharing my heart or my life with those who are unable to give in return.

What else would Tom not recognize? Would he recognize me? The new me that has emerged from my personal fiery hell of grief and loss. Would he recognize this life I am living?

The answer is NO. In the past: that saddened me. Today: it doesn't matter. There is only one thing I would trade from the lessons and transforming experiences of the grief journey and that is not going to happen. I am not living in the past anymore - standing here in the present - continuing to live, grow, learn and love. Thank you for being loving companions on my life's journey - Namaste.

Nine Nine Two Thousand Ten

2010-09-09T06:25:00.001-05:00

Memories to cherish - the faces of family and friends as we pledged our vows to one another. The vows we fulfilled - "in sickness and in health - til death do us part." The laughter - the huge wheel of St. Andre Cheese with plump strawberries and fresh baked baguette. The cake Lisa brought, "nonsense, you HAVE to have a cake" - a whirlwind confection of fresh strawberries and whipped cream.

The toasts - the fact that Lisa and Pat brought a video camera - the beautiful ivory roses in my bouquet, called Porcelana - and one long stemmed rose for each of my sister-friends. The music - the love - the fulfillment of our deepest longing - to be a family. And we were.

This morning, 15 years later - I hold those memories close for a few minutes and then release with open heart and gratitude. Through years of sorrow are born new memories. I believe there is much more to come.................

Nine Nine Ninety-Five

2010-09-08T21:29:00.000-05:00

Yes, tomorrow would have been my 15th wedding anniversary. Death takes so much and life gives so much in return. Even with the difference in our ages we hoped to have 20 years of married life - that was not to be.

I will always love my darling - my husband - my Tom and yet, the last few years I have stepped into a new life. The life I live is filled with joy, with promise and with many blessings.

Happy Anniversary my Angel - watch over me.

Happy Happy Joy Joy

2010-09-06T14:01:00.006-05:00

Yes - that is how my life feels right now - from my professional life to the deepest recesses of my personal journey. Laughter is abundant in my world today.

I wrote in this blog that sorrow stripped me bare and left me by the side of the road - abandoned by all I held dear. During those years of scalding tears; those years of deep longing for that which would never return, I wondered if the laughter had died with you know who. At some point, in the journey, I picked up my scarred and scattered bones - gently held together the gaping, ragged edges of grief-hewn wounds and slowly began to grow new muscle, sinew and skin - the softest skin imaginable now covers an indomitable spirit and the will to live and grow and celebrate each day that is left.

I took my passion and turned it into work. I hand-forged a new life for one - me. Slowly I began to find enjoyment. I embraced my cherished friends and family of choice. I took care of family and honored my duty to my mother. I counted myself blessed to do the work I am called to do. And thus, a new life slowly emerged and I began to embrace each new day.

And yet, there remained an empty reservoir - hidden deep inside. It is a deeply personal place that feels best when filled with laughter, kisses, hugs, passionate embrace and long slow times of talking, walking, and sitting in companionable silence. A strong and gentle blue-eyed man - with an amazing laugh, a tender touch, and a passionate soul has arrived in my life. It has been the reawakening of the woman I thought was lost. Not lost but standing here - the woman who was transformed in the fiery cauldron of grief.

Laughter abounds in my life. Passion surrounds me. All I can say is Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy.

Learning, Laughing, Growing

2010-08-31T06:45:00.000-05:00

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
- Rumi

Life After Death

2010-08-28T10:50:00.000-05:00

For the past 5 years I have walked the widowed road - often that road was littered with my own broken dreams and the scorched earth of a life forever changed against my will.

I have spent hours upon days in solitude weeping for what was lost. I have spent months and days attempting to make meaning from the journey - the journey none of us ask to take. I struggled to come to terms with being married in my heart and soul to a man who now was dead - and even as I came to terms with it, my arms still ached to hold him and my spirit longed to have him by my side. Yes, the scorched earth and rutted path of the grief journey is filled with pain and sorrow and just when you get your breath, here comes more pain and sorrow.

Slowly I emerged - transformed in a million ways - deeply scarred in places known only to me. November 14 will be six years since my husband passed and I stand here this morning: whole, capable, resourceful, resilient, creative. I will always have a hole in my heart - there always will be times that I long to hold Tom, "just one more time" - I suspect that will not change until the hour of my own death.

Here I stand this morning, my feet firmly planted on my path, knowing that the grief journey is never totally over and yet - I have just been given an incredible gift - the gift of an amazing new person in my life.

A man who has walked his own scorched earth path of the widowed road. A man who is funny - passionate, creative, authentic and much more that I will discover in time. Here we are, the two of us finding life after death - today I know there is much more to come, how much, I do not know - so we just take it a step at a time in this moment - the only one we really have anyway. I am filled with gratitude and with bursting with joy. Namaste.

Alive and Loving It

2010-08-23T11:30:00.000-05:00

Last night I was standing in the kitchen with my friend and said to him, "today I posted on my blog about you for the first time and I have a feeling it is going to make some widders I know very happy." His reply, "there is only one widow I want to make happy." I am speechless, breathless, pinching myself and trying to not let my fear get in the way. The future is open, the adventure continues - I believe there is much more to come.....

"You can't wait for the storm to be over - you've got to learn to dance in the rain."

Amazement

2010-08-22T12:36:00.000-05:00

A new person has come into my life - he is wonderful. He is widowed and ahead of me on the road - he is authentic, funny, smart and warm. I am blessed - I have a feeling that there is much more to come.

Summer Dwindling

2010-08-12T06:33:00.001-05:00

I have been silent these past two weeks or so. It is really hot and humid here in Minnesota - more so than usual for this time of year. I have finally wrapped up my work in the homeless shelter while the work in the food bank is popping all over the place. Mother is struggling and I am trying to have a life in the midst of it all. :)

Can someone please, please tell me what happened to my ability to upload photographs on blogger. The icon to upload is gone from the toolbar at the "new post" screen. Is there some new place to find the upload button? I have photos to share and it is frustrating not to be able to do so.

It is supposed to cool down here in the next couple of days and I think we are all looking forward to the relief this weekend. I will do my best to create a longer post soon - there are some neat things happening in my life - I am reaching out to connect with new people in new ways....very exciting. More to come.....

Happy Blog Birthday

2010-07-23T09:14:00.001-05:00

That's right - this morning I realized that June 21st was was the FIVE YEAR anniversary of starting this blog. Wow! I started it to pour out my grief and sorrow. I began writing here to prevent myself from going absolutely insane. I never dreamed it would take me to so many places and introduce me to people from all over the world. People who I have come to know and love so much. So Happy Birthday Blog and thank you to each of you for your friendship and support.

Still on the Planet

2010-07-21T20:05:00.000-05:00

This has been an incredible month. I started a new leadership transition on July 9th and am still winding down the last transition in the family homeless shelter AND my mother is taking incredible amounts of my time. My new gig is about feeding hungry people - a mission that is dear to my heart. To make things more complicated, the food bank is a 28 mile commute (each way) from my home. I am not complaining but it is challenging right now.

One thing I have managed to do is to begin my summer food preserving - last weekend I put up 7.5 quarts of garlic, kosher dill pickles - yummy!! I have a few more cukes and I think sandwich pickle chips are in my future before the end of the week. I wanted to upload photos of my pickles but blogger is being stubborn right now. Maybe later.

Really exciting news: my bestest friend for over 40 years, J and her husband S are moving here from Florida in September. Hooray - we have wanted to do this for so long. The last time we lived close together was many, many, many years ago in Northern California. They plan to try out Minnesota for a year and see what comes next. I am excited and feel very blessed.

I will try to blog more often - even though I am not writing, I am reading everyone on my feed - trying to keep up with all your activities this summer. Take care.

Sadness

2010-07-06T13:32:00.002-05:00

I have just returned from my second trip in a month to California to help my mother move into a new house. It was a really sobering experience. I accomplished my goal, she is moved and totally settled in her new home. That is a good thing.

The hard fact is that she is either entering the terrifying slide into dementia or she is becoming so forgetful that soon she will be unable to function on her own without more supports of daily living.

She has big mood swings. One minute loving and the next saying some pretty ugly things to me. She cannot remember what day it is and asks repeatedly, "what day is it? what date is it? what time is it?". She forgets to eat. She is unsteady on her feet and of course, she is legally blind. I am hoping nothing happens and that she can stay in this new house for the next year or so - we shall see.

Today, I am physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually spent. I am working from home to catch up and get back in touch with my clients and prepared to work hard the rest of this week.

I have accepted another transition client - I know I said there was a break at the end of the interim leadership in this homeless shelter but it feels like I am supposed to go to this next leadership assignment. Their mission is to feed hungry people - who can argue with that. They are a large organization and they have hired a search firm to assist in hiring the new Executive Director. That pretty much guarantees this to be a short-term, 100 day assignment. So, with the end in sight - tomorrow I meet with the Board Vice President to work out the contract details and Friday I will go to the organization to meet the Executive Team.

My work in the family homeless shelter ends on July 31 so for the balance of this month I will be juggling a great many balls. My new plan - take a good chunk of time off to enjoy the Autumn and early winter.

I know I will have to return to California more often. That is fine. Unfortunately that means I cannot do much of the other travel I have been hankering for - like going to visit my grandchildren in Philadelphia or just taking a trip for myself to have a vacation. I am not complaining - just longing for some time to myself to see and/or do some new things. Such is Life.

It is wonderful to be home. Home, in my own little house. Yes, I am sad to see my mother on this path - yes, I am glad to be home and to reflect on all my blessings. With deepest gratitude to be here on the Planet. Namaste.

Quite by Accident

2010-06-26T17:37:00.002-05:00

I had such a fun day yesterday. I began my day with a rigorous workout with my trainer. Then I went shopping for the perfect cheese, plump strawberries, the perfect wine and a great loaf of bread. After shopping, time for a late and tasty lunch at Barrio in St. Paul with my dearest friend and Evil Twin, Lisa. I drank my first mojito - OK, my first two mojitos - but after all it was a 3 hour lunch. And, the mojto was fresh blackberry - oh my goodness!!

In the early evening I had a fabulous conversation - with a wine toast - with my oldest friend, J. And then, I had another wonderful wine toast and long phone talk with my sister Missy. Dinner? Yes, pristine seared tuna crusted with black and white sesame seeds. The wine - Mer Soleil - a beautiful barrel aged 2006 Chardonnay.

Today, I have been enjoying a quiet and reflective day. I have watched a couple of movies, talked to friends on the phone, spent time petting Miss Kitty and thinking. As I was looking at things on my computer I came across the following document that I wrote November 16, 2002, Tom died 2 years and 2 days later. It was written for a friend that had suffered a stroke and was struggling. Interesting to read it today.

Here is the piece I found today ---- To Marvin:

"Our family knows first hand the mighty path one is called upon to walk in the aftermath of a stroke.

It has been 26 months since Tom’s stroke. When he was released from rehab and we began the next phase of recovery, Tom could not speak intelligibly, could not drive, be alone in the house, use kitchen appliances, read a book or a newspaper, listen to music, watch television, or perform most of the large and small tasks of daily living.

The mundane tasks of life became major undertakings – dressing might take an hour. For many months, depression and wanting to sleep a great deal were the norm. Tom did not remember my name for nearly a year. “Honey” was good enough for me. In fact, “good enough” became our mantra.

In August 2001, the medical professionals released him from therapy and told us, 'Recovery is over'. Tom was not even driving. It felt as though our life was over. It was. The old life was over. What we could not see at that moment was a new life emerging.

A stroke changes everything. For us, the new life challenged us to be persistent and find satisfaction in the smallest achievements; to examine what was most important in our lives and to rejoice in the comfort of daily life together. It also called upon us to exercise a patience that neither of us knew we possessed.

It is true that Tom will always have brain damage from that traumatic incident. That is a tragedy – one that will not change. Is he frustrated? Yes. Did he let it stop him? No.

Tom was always an impatient person. In the aftermath of the stroke, he has found a deep sense of patience and joy in the small but important endeavors of life. He works in the garden, polishes his Porsche (yes, he is driving again). He reads – a great strength of his and one he was not robbed of in the stroke.

He tells me fifty times a day that I am beautiful – and that he loves me. When he gets frustrated or begins to be angry – he stops himself, shrugs and says, “It’s not worth it,” – life is too short and he knows that stress could bring on another CVA. The old Tom could not (would not) have controlled his annoyance, impatience and frustrations in that way.

For me, the stroke put my life in sharp focus. What once was vitally important seems now to be merely a portion of the greater whole of my life. Some things that seemed vitally important have little significance today. I quit my job; opened a home-based consulting practice and I gave myself permission to grieve (instead of filling my time with “busyness” so I would not have to think about it). I take time everyday to be alone and to reach out to others.

I am grateful to have Tom still by my side. The stroke forced me to examine my values and take steps to live them in my daily life

It has been a long journey, one that will never be over. Remember those expert opinions about Tom’s recovery being at an end? He continues to make strides forward. Some steps are miniscule; others are huge. We celebrate them all.

Do I wish the stroke had never happened? Would I trade the lessons learned? Do I pray for Tom’s brain to be completely healed? Absolutely. That doesn't mean the lessons are without value.

In the first year after the stroke, I never could have imagined that life could or would change so much or that we ever would be happy again. But we are. In many ways, we love one another more than the day it happened.

A social worker at the rehab hospital said, “You know why it is called a stroke; because in one instant, your life is changed forever.” How true. Yet in the aftermath of life’s sudden destruction, you still have choices. You can choose to wallow in self-pity or choose to live your life in new ways. What we know for sure is the most important things we have are our relationships with others and living our lives in ways that make meaning for us – with our values rooted firmly in the center."

I am blessed today and everyday. Thank you for being companions on my life's journey.

On the Eve of a Birthday

2010-06-24T18:40:00.001-05:00

This has been a really quiet blog month for me. I returned from California on June 11 and was immediately immersed in work and continuing to help my mother. The time has come for me to provide additional support to her by having someone else pay the bills. This was a hard thing to do but needed. She has agreed and is by turns: relieved, sad and a bit angry. I understand, as much as I can from my seat in life's stadium.

I am on my way back to California on Tuesday to help with the actual move and get her settled in her new home.

Tomorrow is my birthday - this time of year is always a time of reflection and taking stock. It is sobering to watch the decline of one's parent. She is in her mid-eighties and has been incredibly healthy and active for most of her life but still, this is the beginning of new stage. Between aging and reality of death - that I know well - it has me thinking about what I want to do.....right now, I am doing it. But, what about next year? What about 5 years? This year I have been practicing mindfulness - doing meditation and trying to live in the moment. One can live in the moment all you want - the question is still out there - what shall I create next in my life. If I am no longer on the planet - so be it - if I am, I want to be doing those things that bring me joy and completion.

For today, I am exactly where I am meant to be. Right here and filled with gratitude for all my blessings. Om Shanti.

Napa Valley

2010-06-07T22:31:00.000-05:00

Yes, I am home with my mother - the house is sold. For the past four days I have been busy packing and taking things apart. It is really difficult. She bought a new place - probably the last thing she needs to do right now but it is her decision. There is so much to tell about this story - I have not had internet access for the past four days and now am online again - hooray. There is much to reflect on this time right now and more than I can say. There is much more to come......................

Memorial Day

2010-05-29T09:22:00.002-05:00

In honor of those who have served our country. In memory of and deep gratitude for those who have paid the supreme price and died while serving in the Armed Forces. Holding those close who grieve the loss of their loved ones who have perished while in uniform. Namaste.

Be Content

2010-05-23T19:06:00.000-05:00

Be content with what you have;
rejoice in the way things are.
When you realize there is nothing lacking,
the whole world belongs to you.

~Lao Tzu

Summer is on the Way

2010-05-23T15:49:00.001-05:00

I have been really scarce here for the last couple of weeks. So much is happening I don't know where to start. First - I finally got the tomatoes and herbs and eggplant and flowers planted!! I worked for five hours nonstop in the garden today and I feel really good. I have dreams of tomatoes and basil with my homemade fresh mozzarella - yum!

I planted four different varieties of tomatoes - yellow pear, brandywine (a really big heirloom), opalla (an heirloom paste), and aussie (a early, medium-sized heirloom). I also planted a currant bush and rhubarb! The picture at the left is in the front of my house. Those of you who have been visiting here for awhile might remember pictures of the front of the house with bountiful pots of foliage and flowers. Last Fall I had the gravel mulch removed and had it dug out and replaced with rich compost and garden soil. Now I can grow food there - how fun! I still haven't decided what to plant for the border - maybe more basil. You can't have enough basil!

I am still growing in pots - I have lots of chives, more tomatoes, tons of other herbs of every description, flowers and there is more to come. I get such enjoyment out of digging in the dirt and watching things grow.

The big news is my Mother sold the house in Yountville! This a huge life-transition. The is much too big for her plus the two-stories are really not practical for a woman in her 80's who is legally blind. She has lived in the house for a long time - we have our work cut out for us.

Of course, I am on my way to California to help find her a place to live (she wants to buy something - her choice, not a great idea from my perspective - nonetheless - I will honor her wishes). I need to help pack her things; I need to help her decide what will go to the new place and what we will do with all the stuff that will not fit as she downsizes. I will be leaving the beginning of June and will spend 11 days with her. I will also go back in early July to be with her for the move.

I have been juggling a lot of balls lately. We moved our office (the new one is great); my client work is still very intense; I have been trying to get the yard in shape; I have been trying to simplify my own life by getting rid of stuff and the beat does on. Oh yeah, and then there is laundry and things. :)

The next couple of weeks will be really busy. I will try to keep the garden photos updated and of course, it is always fun to post wine country shots. I hope you are all well and enjoying these days leading up to summer.

One marvelous thing - I have stepped into my new life. It is terrific to be here now - not in the past, not longing for what I cannot have, just enjoying my life as it is - very grateful for life just the way it is. Namaste.

The VOICE

2010-05-09T10:45:00.001-05:00

This year is about LIVING. Not making excuses, not waiting until I (lose the 10 pounds); (finish the really tough client); (get a better night's sleep) --- OMG, fill in the blank. One of my major intentions for 2010 is to practice self-compassion.

When I wrote that Intention it was about being nicer to myself. It was about treating myself with the same kindness and support that I offer to others. It turns out, it was about those things and more than I could have imagined. In the beginning of the fifth month of this year here are some of the things I am learning and putting into practice as a result of this intention.

I am learning to silence THE VOICE. You know the voice - the one we all have inside. The Voice that is always ready with a critical word or a judgment. The Voice that revels in living in yesterday or tomorrow. The Voice that blocks living in the present. The present moment - the only one we have.

Treating myself with dignity and respect - consciously, deliberately and consistently is transforming. This is not magic transformation - this is baby steps, baby steps, baby steps - the changes that stick.

Here is an example: I gained some weight over the winter. That's not unusual. When that happens, I am really, really good at losing it - once I put my mind into it and do it - it gets done. (I am also good at using food to soothe myself when I am upset, bored, frustrated, sad - which of course causes a cycle of gain/lose the same pounds over and over) I do NOT want to continue that behavior and that cycle. This time, I do not want to go on a diet. It is a losing proposition in more ways than weight. It keeps the cycle going. Gain a few, lose them, gain a few again, lose them - you know what I mean! I am done!!!

I am practicing living in the moment - making good food choices, staying active, continuing to build more muscle mass and finally getting it straight to stop the yo-yo right here, right now. Living in the moment; being kind to myself; making conscious choices, forgiving myself when I make the inevitable mistake. Loving and cherishing myself and my life whatever the scale says - it is clear that the VOICE keeps me locked in that cycle and that thinking.

I am learning that self-compassion is also about accountability - no excuses - it is the VOICE that keeps me trapped in old habits. This exploration of eating and weight is only one small area in this new approach to living my life. Self-compassion is about balance and acceptance not just words but the daily actions and conscious choices that that make up one's life. This an exciting time of practice, patience, active learning, growing, gratitude, forgiveness, and transformation. There is much more to come on this topic. How does your VOICE hold you back? How have you learned to listen to your authentic self not the VOICE?

We are always getting ready to live, but never living.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I stand in the Present

2010-05-06T08:15:00.000-05:00

This weekend, when I removed the Burning Bush shrub from my yard, I couldn't help but think about the day Tom and I planted it. We went together and selected exactly what we wanted. This tree was especially important as its location is one of the main views out our living room window. We wanted something that would fill that corner of the yard and be beautiful in different seasons.

We planted it at least 8 years ago (maybe longer) and I remember that day so well. We had fun, laughing and talking about how wonderful it is to watch the miracle of nature as our plants and trees grow and mature.

There would have been a day when I would have removed that tree with tears streaming down my face - totally consumed by the loss of Tom and those memories. Not so this weekend. The rabbit destroyed the tree - it had to go.

Of course, I will miss Tom always. Of course, there will be times that I wish he were here by my side. Of course, I there will be times of sadness that he is gone from the earth. That is the reality of losing someone you love and cherish. For me - I have stepped into this new life - joyfully I can say - "I STAND IN THE PRESENT."

In My Backyard

2010-05-04T21:50:00.001-05:00

I had a wonderful weekend working on my outdoor project that I briefly mentioned in a previous post. There is a portion of my lawn just in front of my rose garden beds that is difficult to grow grass - between the pine trees and the shade it is a constant battle. So - I made a new outdoor sitting room by covering the lawn to kill the grass, put down landscape cloth and covered it with mulch and ringed it with river rocks.

I also scrubbed the deck, mulched the gardens, dug and discarded my beautiful burning bush that the rabbits destroyed over the winter.

I moved the outdoor dining table to the deck and I think it looks nice.

Next weekend I will begin to plant the herb gardens, get a few annuals in the ground, and then plant my veggie pots. How I love the Spring and Summer - digging in the dirt, sun in my hair, pure heaven.

Wish You Were Here

2010-04-30T09:46:00.000-05:00

Standing on my back porch this morning with misty rain hanging in the trees, coffee in hand and the incredible perfume of lilacs scenting the air. Both last night and this morning all I could do was stand outside and breathe in their heady aroma. There is lots more fragrance to come as they are just beginning to bloom.

My major pursuit this week has been fundraising for my client - writing and getting out funding proposals. I completed all that was priority on my list this morning and here it is -- Friday!! I am so happy. I accomplished so much this week and am anticipating the weekend ahead.

My new bed arrived and I am in heaven - I got a wonderful night's sleep last night. I have not been sleeping well - the old mattress must have contributed to my restlessness. Good sleep, good health.

Happy, Happy Friday -

Staycation!!!

2010-04-26T17:29:00.000-05:00

The past few days have been glorious. I have done absolutely NOTHING and LOVED it. I worked in the yard, I organized some closets, I had a five hour spa day (heavenly), I watched movies, made amazing polenta, walked in the rain, and enjoyed myself immensely.

I do feel refreshed and relaxed. I am preparing for an important annual meeting of our town home association (I am the board president) which is being held tonight. It seems we will have a good turn-out, which hasn't been the case in the last few couple of years. We are a small association, only 16 units and I have worked diligently the last year to build community and encourage more communication among neighbors. We have an important vote tonight to create a capital reserve fund for future improvements. I have my fingers crossed.

One thing is clear, I need to take more of these breaks - it's just healthy. One of my 2010 intentions is to practice "self-compassion" taking time is an important piece of taking care of me. I feel very blessed and filled with gratitude for my life, my friends, my family and all that I have been given. Namaste.

Happy Birthday

2010-04-23T19:04:00.000-05:00

Today is the anniversary of Tom's birth. Tomorrow I will go to put flowers at his grave-site at Fort Snelling to commemorate his birth. It is interesting. Every year, until now I have been quite sad on Tom's birth day and today I am here, just here. I am grateful and always be grateful that he was on this earth. I will miss him until the day I die. He was my husband and my mate. He is gone.

I am standing solidly on my feet - I am here on the planet - I am ready for new adventures.

Happy Birthday Tom - RIP - I know you would be so proud of me today if you could see the life I have forged from loss. Namaste.

I'm Ready.....

2010-04-23T16:44:00.002-05:00

Rest and Relaxation

2010-04-22T12:22:00.001-05:00

I am in the midst of taking a few days off - it has been a long, long time since I have taken time just for me. My time off started yesterday and I will go back to work next Tuesday - not a long time but enough. I rarely take a work break without going to my mother's or going on some other family related trip. That is not bad, I am blessed to have family that love me and I am blessed to still have my mom on the planet.   However, time just for me - that is a luxury. I know that sounds weird when I live by myself and do have solitary time but time without responsibilities and strategies and finance and leadership and busyness that has been in short supply. My current contract is over the end of June and then I will take a much longer break but for now - I treasure this time.

Yesterday I hung out, ran errands, purchased a new mattress for my bed - more on THAT later and went to bed early. Lately, I have been feeling like I "hit the wall" and no matter how much sleep I get I am still tired before the end of the day. No wonder! I have spent the last nearly 14 months working in organizations in crisis whose missions are to work with families in crisis. As I have said, "this is my shelter period." That in itself can be draining and while leadership transitions are rewarding they are always challenging.

So, here I am recharging my batteries. Today, I cleaned and organized some closets that have been bugging me; I filled two large bags with donation items; I worked on my outdoor garden project and pulled weeds in the flower beds and now I am getting ready to go to New Beginnings for a four-hour Spa experience.

I have been outside taking Spring photos and will post pics and other things later. Rest and relaxation - walking, journaling, gardening, organizing, napping, reflecting and just having a darn good time.   I think there is an art project embedded in here somewhere too.   More to come.........................

Moving......

2010-04-18T15:10:00.004-05:00

Yes, we moved our office this week to this beautiful Cass Gilbert building downtown St. Paul a few yards from Mears Park in Lowertown.

The photo is the front entry of the Gilbert Building, my office is the far left corner window on the fourth floor. It is so wonderful to be in this building to have windows and a private office. We loved our former office - we were in that building for seven years - now we are moving not just to new physical space but to a new developmental stage of our business and our partnership.

I expect to meet new people and I am ready. I am joining the YMCA, which is a half block a way and on the skyway - it is newly remodeled and has a pool and lots of cool classes. The park is steps away from the front door for a quick walk or a picnic lunch. There are lots of downtown restaurants, places to walk, and a larger, more lively neighborhood. I am ready for new friendships, new experiences and yes, some male companionship. It will all unfold as it is supposed to.

This is a photo of Mears Park - lovely isn't it? It has a stream running through it and there is lots of music and art and other fun things happening in this little urban park. Our move is a transformation of light and space. Our former office did not have windows to the outside - it was in another old historic building with a "mall" type feel with windows out into only the interior hallway. Now natural light floods the space - my business partner's office is next door to mine (the next big window to the right.) The front of the office is also all glass and the center conference room is glass on both ends. It has a full kitchen with a neat breakfast bar and even a dishwasher. I will take photos to post soon.

J and I both feel the new space is going to bring new edges, new people, new energy, new business and new beginnings to us personally and professionally. Here's to new things in the air.

I am taking some time off work too!! Next week - Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Monday with the weekend in between. I don't know what I am going to do but one thing I am NOT going to do is work! I need some downtime. I need some time to walk, to write, to reflect, to do a spa day, to do whatever I want.

Happy Sunday - it is a beautiful day in my backyard. More to come................

Time for Outdoor Living

2010-04-12T16:19:00.002-05:00

I spent most of the weekend working in the yard. Things are greening up quite nicely - the chives are up, the daffodils are blooming and the outdoor furniture is out from under their winter covers.

It is time to begin thinking about grilled asparagus, outdoor dining and just plain enjoying the being outside again.

I am doing something new with the outdoor dining area - more to come as the project moves forward. Gotta love these four seasons.

My Tattoo Experience

2010-04-11T18:06:00.001-05:00

Many who know me well are aware that I have been talking about getting a tattoo for 4-plus years. Intuitively I knew that it would become apparent when the time was right. The tattoo was to be symbolic of Tom's spirit and my transformed life. That's right - no tattoo until I was in my new life.

When I first contemplated the tattoo I thought it would be on my back, then I thought of it as being on my left shoulder. As it became increasingly clear that tattoo-time was arriving - I knew deep in my bones that I needed to have it somewhere on my body where I could see it. The tattoo is for me, not for anyone else. That is when I settled on my left wrist.

When Deb and I arrived at Acme Tattoo on Friday evening I was excited and could feel the adrenalin pumping. Acme is a well-respected establishment and has a reputation for quality work. I didn't make an appointment, even though I knew for two weeks that April 9th was T-Day. I felt that when I walked in the right person would be there. I was correct. Beth was the right person to do this tattoo for me. My friend Deb, who has tattoos herself, was my encouraging companion - she was right by my side.

In the past five years, the dragonfly has become an important symbol to me. In the beginning of my grief journey I was sent the legend of the dragonfly and it made a big impression on me. Here is the story:

There once were a bunch of grubs who lived in the bottom of an old pond. Every once in awhile one of their number would climb up a stem and leave the pond - never to be seen again. The grubs agreed that the next one of their members that left in that manner would come back and tell the group what happened to them. One day, one of the grubs had an overwhelming urge to climb up a stem and go to the surface. Once out of the water the grub found that he had been transformed into a beautiful dragonfly. He flew over the pond again and again - he could see his friends in the water below but to no avail - they could not see the dragonfly. Remember, just because people take the trip we call death doesn't mean they are gone forever.

Those we lose live in our hearts forever.

For the past three years I have worn a tiny gold and silver dragonfly pendant around my neck. In the these years, the dragonfly has come to have deep meaning for me - especially renewal, hope, and the power of change.

So I did it!! Here is to my new life rushing up to meet me. Here is the visible symbol of the journey no one wants to take and most important here is to my life - bursting open before me. Here's to the future, with all my heart and with deepest gratitude.

Here it Is!!!

2010-04-10T08:30:00.001-05:00

I have a post to go with this photo. However, Blogger has other ideas this morning and I have to go to workout. I will post more about this experience later today.

Today is the Day

2010-04-09T12:49:00.000-05:00

That's right blog buddies - tonight I am getting my tattoo. I am excited and scared - and excited. More to come....................

A sure sign of Spring

2010-04-02T16:58:00.001-05:00

That's right one of the ways to know it is Spring and Summer at my house is that my bedroom changes from the deep burgundies, purple, and golds of the winter bed dressings to these light and airy cream and gold quilts and shams.

Today I worked in my home office and found some time to do a bit of spring cleaning in my room.

One nice thing about being back in my right (or left) or leftover mind is that I am actually remembering to do things on a timely basis. And so today when I changed the bed, I realized the Cream and Gold Set was in a dry cleaner bag all done up and hanging in the downstairs closet. Oh happy day.

Today it rained and rained - and we need it so badly. April showers and all that jazz and my beautiful ready for summer bed.

I am on my way out to dinner with a girlfriend I have not seen for awhile. A wonderful weekend is ahead. Enjoy your Friday evening.

Reflections

2010-04-01T20:20:00.002-05:00

Our weather is so amazing in Minnesota right now. This is the first March in over 100 years with NO snow - that's right, no snow. March is generally our second snowiest month - what a joy.

The loss of my friend Amy has really given me pause. Back to the old question - what would you do if you knew you were going to die in 10 months?

There is part of me that says, "exactly what I am doing!" There is another part that honestly doesn't know. I am grateful that many years ago I had the courage to give up my "paycheck job." I do love my work, my business partner, our networks and all we have built together.

For example, several years ago we put together our vision of what we intended to accomplish. We did it in the form of a Mind Map, which is a graphic, intuitive way of planning, visioning, tasking, thinking, etc. Today, we realized that in 7 years we have achieved most of our dreams and intentions. Today, we agreed it is time to do a new Mind Map - a new vision. Reaching for the future to make a difference in our world - that is a blessing.

Then I can't help but think about not working so hard and spending more time on a different kind of creative pursuit - write a book for instance. Or, how about just waking up in the morning and not think about anything other than reading a book, taking a walk, going to the library, traveling to reconnect with friends, breaking out my art materials, volunteering as much as I want - going to the gym during the day.

I am not someone that has dreamed of "retiring" - once I took the leap from the paycheck to the entrepreneurial side of things I never looked back. And one nice thing about our business - we are constantly looking to be relevant to community needs and are flexible never static.

On a happy note, I have been able to work in the yard the last couple of nights - raking and cleaning and looking forward to planting those pansies this weekend. I broke out all the deck furniture and have a plan in mind to change the backyard for the outdoor dining table and chairs. As those of us who have suffered great loss know, life goes on - life goes on.

Om Shanti.

Wandering Aimlessly Through this Weekend

2010-03-28T15:11:00.003-05:00

I am having a difficult time this weekend with the loss of Amy. It is so unfair - I know Dad, "who ever said it was supposed to fair!"

Death is so final. Last night I went to GROWW (the online support group that saved my sanity early in the grief trip). Towards the end of the time I was online - there were just a handful of us there who knew and loved Amy so much. It was a wonderful little time of sharing our remembrances, laughing about the bzillions of funny things Amy did and said. She was irrepressible. There were times you wanted to bean her because she didn't meet a silent moment that she liked. And yet, her heart was big as the sky.

One weekend, Amy and I went shopping and I needed to replace my black easy spirit oxford style lace up shoes. I loved those shoes because I could wear them with pants to work and they looked professional and were comfy. So, here we are in DSW and I am looking for a pair close to the oldies. Well, Amy was incensed. "Why would you want to have the same pair?" she demanded. "Step on out, do something different, you're young, don't be stuck in a rut," now she was wheedling.

That day, I purchased a cool pair of European designed lace up shoes that I still love and wear with pants in the winter. Every time I put them on I think about not "being in a rut" and having a loving friend like Tigger.

My heart is broken open for Amy's husband and their 7 children - especially their little 8-year old son. Amy and her husband both had been widowed and found one another on a widowed website. Amy always called him "her boyfriend" and it was obvious that they were indeed deeply in love. Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers.   I know, I know if we find the next love, there is always the chance to experience widowhood again - but my god, Amy was only 47!!! They already did it!

Amy's cancer was diagnosed in early June 2009. This brings to mind the old thing ---- what would I do if I knew I would be dead in less than a year?   Amy's passing brings forth once again the randomness of life. Think you're in charge????   HA! Think again.

I want to cook and yet I can't get myself motivated. I want to work on my art project and again I can't get it together to set up the art table.   I am still in my black nightie and short robe. I am watching (with half an eye) Ken Burns' PBS documentary about the history of Feminism. How fortunate we are that those strong women stood up - we stand on their shoulders.

I went to workout yesterday and had a good training session. I met Darrin at the duplex and made plans for the spring clean-up, I took my friend Phil to the airport when his cab didn't show up. I did my housework. And yet, I feel like I have wandered aimlessly through this weekend - wandering and wondering - and asking that unanswerable question - WHY?

It is a beautiful day here. I have been outside in the backyard a bit - we not yet ready for prime time yard work. Next weekend we shall have pansies!!!!!!

I am wandering aimlessly through this weekend.   If you read to the end of this post - thanks.

Memory Eternal

2010-03-26T23:34:00.001-05:00

I just found out that my friend Amy passed away tonight. Please keep John and all the children in your thoughts and prayers.

Amy was a warrior and one of the funniest women on this planet. She helped so many through their grief journey. Her screen name on the grief site was Tigger and that was so apt. She would hug you and give you a swift kick when you needed one - all delivered with a smile, a hug and real care.

Always in our hearts - never to be forgotten. ((((Amy)))))

Finally!

2010-03-21T16:16:00.000-05:00

For the past few years I have been planning to get a tattoo. The tattoo is to mark a rite of passage in my grief journey. I told myself that I wouldn't do this until I was sure that I was back in my body and in my right mind. So, here I am back in my body and future focused.

The tattoo I am planning is a dragonfly. In Native American culture dragonflies symbolize renewal and of course, I love the legend of the dragonfly, which is about the spirit of our lost loves still being with us after "that transformation humans call death."

April 9th, my friend Deb and I are going to the tattoo place and I am going to get it done. I have been looking at designs today. Here is one I like:

I have thought so much about this and one big consideration is where to put it? I thought I would have it in a place that was more "hidden" and now I have decided to put it on the top of my forearm just below my wrist. It's my body and my tattoo.

So here goes the next step on this journey. Perhaps this sounds weird but for me it has been a long-time coming and I knew I would know when that day came. It's here!!

What do you all think of this design????

Happy Spring

2010-03-20T09:35:00.000-05:00

Hooray! We made it through another winter. Spring begins at 12:32 pm - 3 hours and 9 minutes from now. I am so happy and look forward to digging in the dirt, blooming roses in the backyard and sitting on the patio with sun on my face.

I have not been feeling too well this week and have been mucho busy with work and so am just taking it really slow this weekend. I just finished cleaning the house and it looks so good. Deb is coming at 2 pm to give me a massage. I am reading a really interesting book: Nudge - I started it late last night and immediately fell asleep however, I am looking forward to spending time reading it this morning.

The photo is one of the Parrot Tulips in a big jug on my dining room table - isn't nature incredible? Natural art that takes your breath away.
It has been in the sixties here in the Twin Cities (although it is cool today) - it has been glorious to walk outside without hat, scarf, gloves and being buttoned up in heavy coats. Yes!!!

I hope whatever you are doing today you are celebrating the arrival of Spring - the season of new beginnings.

Rain and Things

2010-03-11T20:51:00.001-06:00

It has rained here for the last few days. We do not see a lot of rain in Minnesota - except the frozen or cold, fluffy kind. I grew up in the west where we had rain - rain and rain and rain. I have fond memories of being snug inside my cozy grade school classroom with with the smell of wet wool wafting from the coat room. It felt so good to be where it was warm and lighted with the gray skies outside the window pouring rain. Today felt like one of those days for me. Of course I was working and not home in front of the fire with a mug of cocoa and good book - oh well. It was comforting anyway and it is sooo much better than the white fluffy stuff that brings us those gross March snow storms.

I feel like I have turned a bit of a corner in my transition work with the current client. That is so good to know in my bones. It is not over by any means but some of the larger obstacles and angst in the organizational transition have begun to resolve themselves. The client is extending my contract through May and so I will continue to be busy but not as crazy.

Can you please continue to remember my friend Amy in your prayers. Amy was recently released from the hospital and now has hospice care at home. She is an amazing woman - I met her in the early days of my widowed journey in a chatroom/support site for the widowed. Amy had been widowed many years before and met her current husband on the widowed site (yes, he too was widowed). They are wonderful people and have 7 children between them including a seven year old. Please send golden light, prayers, and all good thoughts to their family. Amy lives here in Minnesota - she was one of those that gave me hope that there was a new life out there - it was just out of sight right then.

I hope everyone is looking forward to a relaxing and enjoyable weekend. I will try to be more faithful again in my blogging. Now, off to push-ups. YES, one of my 2010 Intentions - at least 25 push-ups 5 days a week. Take care.

Dreams of Spring

2010-02-28T11:12:00.000-06:00

We have been enjoying the most wonderful weather here in Minnesota. Brilliant sun, clear blue skies, and temps in the 40's - yesterday it was warmer here than in Jacksonville, Florida!!

This has been a tough winter everywhere - and like most, I am ready for Spring! Yesterday I put my snowman and snow-woman collection away and brought out the pastel, the bunnies, the chickies and all the little things that shout new beginnings - rebirth and the warming earth outside my window.

Here is my table dressed for Spring - beautiful yellow and pink striped tulips. My little bunny pulling a wagon full of tiny pink chicks.

Today I am taking my dear friend Bonnie for Brunch to celebrate her Birthday. Two years ago, I had a little birthday party for Bonnie at my house and we had one of the most brutal snow storms we have had in quite awhile. Bonnie ended up staying two days while we dug out. Here are some photos of that weekend.

Thank goodness today is 45 degrees and the snow is melting. I am happy to spend time with Bonnie today and celebrate her special day. So I leave you with dreams of Spring. From the barren depths of Winter comes grace, healing, warmth and rebirth - Namaste.

Thought for a Sunny End of Winter Morning

2010-02-25T07:56:00.000-06:00

Be content to progress in slow steps until
you have legs to run and wings with which to fly.

Padre Pio
Quiet Moments with Padre Pio (Patricia Treece ed.)

Have a Happy Thursday - Spring seems to be on the way.

Wishing

2010-02-14T13:47:00.008-06:00

I know that Valentine's Day is a made-up - Hallmark Card holiday. I know that it drives us widders (and others) crazy. I know real love and it is not a cheesy Hallmark kind of thing.

Today is five and one-quarter years or 1,919 days since Tom died. I can trace back in my heart and soul how far I have come on this journey. I remember the first year - OMG! I was a walking zombie - walking with tears streaming down my face most of the time (or weeping at the slightest or absolutely no provocation).

Today I think of the amazing things that so many people did for me. On that first Valentines Day in 2005 - I walked into my office, sometime in the late afternoon, to find an incredible bouquet of red, red roses sitting on my desk with a card that said, "Happy Valentines Day from Tom and Me - Love, Lisa" my dearest friend and Evil Twin - who was the first person to arrive at the hospital after both of the bad, bad strokes. The first person I met when I arrived in Minnesota in 1988. The woman who gave me sapphire and diamond earrings "from Tom" on my 60th birthday. One of the people I treasure beyond measure - today and forever.

Last night I watched the movie, "The Time Travelers Wife," which is adapted from one of my favorite books. At the end of the DVD I couldn't help but wonder: what it would be like to be able to hold (really hold) Tom one more time, even if just for a minute. Today, a few tears have been shed for my love - he whose body is forever gone from me.

It is true that I will love and long for Tom until I leave this earth. I continue to be filled with deep appreciation that I was given the gift and gave in return, unconditional love. That love and the grief journey have forever transformed me and transformed my life. I am a strong and independent woman. I have good boundaries and I give of myself to others. I am filled with gratitude at the enormous blessings in my life.

Thank you to Lisa, and to Joan, and Patsy, and Missy, and Vanessa and Bonnie and Heidi and all the rest - you who know who you are - you, who have walked beside me on this widowed road. I could never stand here today strong, whole and as healed as I am without each of you. Namaste.

Living from the Heart

2010-02-08T08:00:00.001-06:00

Wholeheartedness is a precious gift, but no one can actually give it to you. You have to find the path that has heart and then walk it impeccably....It's like someone laughing in your ear, challenging you to figure out what to do when you don't know what to do. It humbles you. It opens your heart.

Pema Chödrön

LIFE

2010-02-05T22:06:00.000-06:00

How blessed I am to be here on this earth. I am thankful to have this and every day that I am given.

Wondering

2010-01-30T06:40:00.002-06:00

I am curious. Have any of you ever had anyone you know or are close to in any way be critical or offended about some thing or things that you wrote in your blog?

If this has happened in your life, I am really interested in hearing how you felt and how you responded to the person.

If this has not happened in your life, I am interested in what you think about this type of encounter.

Just to be clear, I am not talking about posting derogatory things about anyone. If you are so moved to share your perspectives, I will read your experiences, and opinions with great interest.

I am doing fine - this has been an intense and rewarding week. I will do my best to post a longer piece later today or this weekend.

A thought for a rainy Saturday

2010-01-23T16:22:00.000-06:00

Freedom is actually a bigger game than power. Power is about what you can control. Freedom is about what you can unleash.

~Harriet Rubin

I'm STILL HERE

2010-01-16T09:42:00.000-06:00

Yes, it is busy - I am doing my interim executive director gig in a family homeless shelter and it is just that crazy part of the transition that is so time consuming. Couple that with the other client work and the extreme COLD here and it is just enough for me to keep the laundry done and the cat fed :).

My friend V, who has been staying here since the beginning of October, moved into his condo this week - it has taken him about 2 months to get things prepared to his liking. He is nearby in a high rise in downtown St. Paul; we will see one another but now have our own space and quiet time. V had set his computer up in my home office/studio therefore, I have not really been able to use it for quite awhile. I am positively giddy with delight; I have spent the morning reorganizing the studio. I now am off to pilates and time with Suzy my amazing personal trainer. I can't wait to return home and work some more on this project.

It has warmed up here - finally - this morning it is 25 degrees (that is ABOVE zero) and it makes one think of wearing work-out capris to training (almost). Have a wonderful Saturday. Namaste.

Here's to an Amazing New Year

2010-01-03T14:04:00.003-06:00

"The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins."

~Bob Moawad

A Decade of Change

2009-12-31T15:26:00.003-06:00

Last night I realized that on New Year's Eve 1999, Tom had not had a stroke, my mother-in-law was aging but was not yet diagnosed with dementia, I was still working as the long-time Executive Director in a statewide child abuse prevention organization, our youngest son J was still in high school. On that New Year's Eve, Tom and I danced in the kitchen, ate a midnight supper, drank martinis and champagne and waited, laughing, to see if all the 'puters in the world came crashing down.

Never did we think that in a few short months our life, as we knew it, would come crashing down. Tom retired on May 1 and had his first stroke on July 11, 2000 - he never was the same again. He was a brilliant attorney and pilot who couldn't keep a checkbook anymore.

We did rehab, we did recovery, working side-by-side -- we reinvented ourselves and our marriage and we did so with purpose, with joy and with love. March 2004, he suffered another stroke although much lighter than the first but it took away his ability to drive this time and then the third one came along in late 2004 - that was the BIG one.

During this decade, I lost my 18 year old cat in 2003, my mother-in-law in June 2004 and my husband on November 14, 2004. A decade of grief and loss. A decade of transition and transformation.

In this decade there also were so many blessings - my darling only grandson, Evan, was born in October 2004. I met my wonderful business partner J and we established our amazing business that serves so many organizations with capacity building services, all rooted in community and in participation. The business is so much more than a business for both of us - it is the outward manifestation of our deepest values. We are beginning our seventh year of working together.

I have met and made so many new friends and I have been held and supported by an enormous network of friends and sisters across the country and the world.

I remodeled my house and transformed my living space. I discovered acupuncture and pilates and have incorporated both into my life as disciplines and routine preventative health care.

I was brought to my knees by grief - I was stripped bare and left myself by the side of the road many times over - not really caring if I lived or died. I doggedly kept moving forward even when I didn't believe the pain would ever abate. Year One of Widowhood was unbearable - Year Two was a million times worse - it felt as though I walked around looking fine but really the very skin was scorched off my face.

I met other widowed who held me up when I had no legs on which to stand and who laughed and CRIED with me nonstop and sometimes both at the same time. Then a step at a time a new life began to emerge from loss. I began to be able to hold others and listen deeply with those ears that grow from hard, real experience. I began to want to pay it forward to others. One day I actually laughed out loud with joy and didn't immediately feel guilty for being happy when Tom was dead!

Slowly this new life - the life that will never be the same again - the life that is different but a life that is full and joyful emerged and I am blessed beyond imagining.

Here this afternoon I stand - after a decade of loss, of pain, and of blessings so huge that I am filled with awe and gratitude. It is so good that we cannot see a day ahead - life is just that - life - and we only have the moment in which we stand.

Here's to a new decade - here's to each of you who have stood by my side and made my time on this earth a blessing. Namaste.

Year End Reflections

2009-12-27T20:31:00.000-06:00

Yes, this is the time when many of us reflect on the year that is closing. On balance it has been a year of learning and growing. In my work life, it is my "shelter period" as I spent seven months as the Interim Executive Director of the battered women's shelter and now have begun a tenure as the Interim Exec at a family homeless shelter. Very easy to count one's blessings when you are surrounded by so much need every single day.

In my grief journey I have moved to a new seat in the auditorium. I can honestly say that I have integrated so much of the intense pain and suffering - I am not whole - I will never be whole in that way I once was. But I am here - standing on my feet - knowing that I am able to reach out to others and pay it forward. Coming to the understanding that IT will NEVER be OVER is a huge milestone.

As I write this tonight I am feeling a little blue - missing you know who and yet strangely content in the midst of my sadness.

Each year, I set my Intentions for the year ahead. I put those intentions on a huge flip chart paper and post it on my studio door where I see it many times every day. I save those pages from year to year. In 2005 (just two months after Tom died) the primary Intentions on my sheet were:

- Breathe
- Drink Water
- Get Sleep

My intentions for this year (2009) are:

What a difference. For the most part I have incorporated those elements into my life this year. Now, I am thinking about my 2010 Intentions. That is my task for the next few days - I have written a draft - it is a work in progress.

2009 was a difficult year for so many in our country and around the world. I hope the year ahead holds greater peace and prosperity. Reflections............and holding those in pain close in my heart during this time of reflection and sadness.

Peace & Grace on Christmas Eve

2009-12-24T11:24:00.001-06:00

FOR OUR WORLD

We need to stop.
Just stop.
Stop for a moment.
Before anybody
Says or does anything
That may hurt anyone else.
We need to be silent.
Just silent.
Silent for a moment.
Before we forever lose
The blessing of songs
That grow in our hearts.
We need to notice.
Just notice.
Notice for a moment.
Before the future slips away
Into ashes and dust of humility.
Stop, be silent, and notice.
In so many ways, we are the same.
Our differences are unique treasures.
We have, we are, a mosaic of gifts
To nurture, to offer, to accept.
We need to be.
Just be.
Be for a moment.
Kind and gentle, innocent and trusting,
Like children and lambs,
Never judging or vengeful
Like the judging and vengeful.
And now, let us pray,
Differently, yet together,
Before there is no earth, no life,
No chance for peace.

September 11, 2001
© Matthew Joseph Thaddeus Stepanek

Used with permission from Hope Through Heartsongs, Hyperion, 2002

Winter Solstice

2009-12-21T08:39:00.000-06:00

Shed away your tired old coats my darlings.
Shed the tears
that tear you from within.

Like a snake
who has outgrown her skin,
writhe and scrape
until the dull old scales
fall away.

Slough off the remnants
of your worn-out self.
Peel away the layers
that no longer suit you,
that constrict you,
so a shiny,
smooth,
lissome you
emerges.

Glide effortlessly
into the new year
adaptable,
flexible,
amenable,
joyful.

Enter your new beginning
with grace,
warm, bright, glistening,
grace.

Stacey Ann Murphy

Walking Hand in Hand on the Widowed Road

2009-12-17T19:41:00.004-06:00

Today I shared a meal and a million tears with my friend who recently began the second year of her grief journey. Even though we have emailed regularly, this is the first time we have seen each other since just before her husband passed.   She has not wanted to see many people and that is just the way it is. I get it.

So many people want to tell us how to grieve. So many want to give us their theories on why our husbands are now in "a better place." Or why it is not healthy to be so isolated - or to cry so much, or to keep "carrying on so when it has been a year" - or, "you are so strong - your faith will get you through" on and on and on. GET AWAY!!

We each choose our own path on this hellacious journey - there is no right way - there is no wrong way to grieve - there is only YOUR way. PERIOD.   The widow road is one of suffering - it is impossible for one who has not experienced the death of their dearest partner to understand the depths of that pain. We all say - "they mean well." Well, maybe they do - but it doesn't make it any easier. This was the first thing J wanted to talk about today.

We spent three hours in a Perkins Restaurant - eating, talking and crying together. Truly a 40 napkin lunch. I listened with my ears and I listened with my heart. J's husband is my dearest brother-friend Michael of whom I have written about in this blog. We talked and laughed and we cried over and about Michael.

I could feel her searing pain leap across the table. A couple of times the raw intensity of it stunned me. And that fact surprised me. Today I thought - my god, the journey is akin to childbirth! In labor, you experience so much pain and yet, when that baby is placed in your arms, the pain recedes into the background.   And so, here I am at five years and the pain has receded - I have walked through the fire, I have been transformed.

I read widow blogs and I weep with my widder friends and identify closely with their loss and pain. And yet today, sitting across the table from J, I realized I had forgotten some of the immediacy, the reality of the raw and bleeding PAIN - how devastating, how crippling it is. How you really do not care if you are on the planet or not, DEATH, ha - bring it on. How the pain becomes embedded in one's body, mind and soul and how, without warning, it brings you to your knees.   Sitting with J today was like having the skin singed off my face. And I remembered - how I embraced my pain, how I grieved my loss, and how I walked my path. Now that PAIN has receded and its remains are forever held deep inside, so deep that is buried in my very DNA.

I am grateful to be standing here whole and transformed. I am honored to stand witness, to be a companion to J and to others as they walk the widowed road. Namaste

Here We Go...

2009-12-13T22:08:00.001-06:00

Just a quick drive-by. I am finally feeling better. Hooray! I baked cookies and made candy this weekend. I actually did some housework and feel like I have a bit of energy. Deb came tonight and I had a massage. Tomorrow I start my new gig actually working in the homeless shelter - the retiring Executive Director's last day was Friday.

I am checking blogs and I will do my best to update here during the week. We are preparing for snow tonight - stay warm.

AaaaaaaChoooooo

2009-12-11T06:20:00.002-06:00

I have been doing one of three things.....keeping these items close at hand, initiating the organizational assessment for my new client or napping. Yes, that is correct - I still have this cold. Am I better? Yep. I am well? Not so much.

I have about forty things I want to blog about but just have not had the energy to do so. Every day I think, "this is it - I am well" - oh well. Here I am - as I have blogged many times, "still on the planet."

Tonight is the first night of Hanukkah - I will light the candles but no latkes - as yummy as they may be, I do not need a big bunch of fried food right now. Rats!!!

Winter finally arrived and it is cold in Minnesota - cold and beautiful. Of course, we need to acclimate again and remember we are tough and resilient in the face of below zero weather. I pulled out my winter coat yesterday and was so happy, for the first time in years, I actually remembered to get it cleaned before I needed to wear it.

This weekend I am looking forward to baking cookies and making truffles to give as gifts with my homemade jam and pickled beets. I may still have this crappy cold but at least I am feeling ready to do some fun stuff besides use tissue and do client work.

Happy Friday -- stay warm.

Trying to heal.......

2009-12-05T22:49:00.005-06:00

Sorry I have been offline this week. I worked in my home office on Monday and Tuesday and then worked in my own office the balance of the week - I have too much work ahead to not catch up after being gone for a week.

I have really struggled to beat this wretched cold. Deb came last Sunday and did a massage and lymphatic drainage, I had acupuncture with Julie on Friday and today had a European Facial with Marta - she did more lymphatic drainage and used the full-spectrum lights. Julie also prescribed a raw chinese herb formula, which I have cooked up and am drinking. I even saw the western medicine Doc this week and that is unusual for me.

This afternoon I made a yummy chicken soup for dinner. Tonight I feel a bit better - finally!!

I have begun my new leadership transition gig in Minneapolis in a Shelter for Homeless Families and next week I will start going to the shelter - this weekend is one of laying low and getting well.

I hope you are enjoying your weekend. Stay warm.

Home

2009-11-30T12:40:00.001-06:00

Feeling pretty punky - sleeping, taking zinc, chinese herbs, lots of fluids and more sleeping. Here is a photo of my beautiful granddaughter, O and my mother. This picture was snapped at the Frank Family Winery outside St. Helena. I have more to come but first - I need to get well.

Happy Thanksgiving

2009-11-27T13:28:00.001-06:00

Still in California. I have lots of photos to post when I get home. Unfortunately, I have come down with a really rotten cold and feel cruddy. I am flying home on the red eye tonight. More to come......

Aging....................

2009-11-25T09:21:00.002-06:00

Going home is always sobering. I am so fortunate to still have my mother with me and I know this fact well. Her gradual decline brought on by getting older continues. This is inevitable and it is my honor to be a helper and companion on my mom's elder journey. One of the more frightening complications about this journey is her deep denial of things. For instance, she does not take her medications as prescribed, it is really hit and miss. "I do NOT have have high blood pressure, I just went to the doc and it was perfect," this is a frequent response if I mention her meds or the high blood pressure.

She does not take care of her feet (when I arrived her feet looked like Howard Hughes'). Even if I arrange it she does not follow through *including if I pay for the pedicure/foot care in advance*. The condition of her feet is a real health issue.

She has fairly severe osteoporosis and does not take the Fosomax - if she does not want to take it, that's fine but she needs to acknowledge the consequences. At this point, she absolutely denies she has brittle bones (this time she told me the doc had given her a bone density test and pronounced her bones were perfect and she could stop the med) - OMG, she is so bent over it looks painful. She has lost about 3 inches in height in the last 3-4 years and now her head is bent forward on her neck and precedes her body. She is at risk for fractures if she falls and spine compression fractures just from walking upright.

Here is the rub. Mother hates that she is aging - and she is in denial about it. She tells folks that she is 70 (she is more than a decade past 70) and really believes that people are fooled. So of course she cannot have high blood pressure, osteoporosis and a host of other age-related things. She admonishes me to "never tell anyone how old you are because you look so young!!" Hmmmmmm, could it be that if I say my age then others can count on their fingers about hers????? I bite my tongue a lot of time.

Some of this is endearing, some of it is really frustrating and some of it is downright dangerous. I am respectful of my mother and I do not say some of the things that should be said, she will not listen anyway and doing so only alienates us. I worry leaving her here in this two-story house.

We went to the retinal specialist yesterday = she has 20/200 sight in her good eye and 20/2000 or "fingers only" sight in her other. They now think she may have bleeding in her macula in the good eye and suspect that she may have the beginnings of glaucoma. I am taking her back to the doc this morning for extensive testing. There are no corrective lenses that will help her see better at this point. The eye doctor has given her occular vitamins to take and provided a list of other vitamins and fish oil to be taken twice a day with meals - I am afraid that she will not follow through once I depart. One blessing - this is a new doctor for mother, he is top notch and most important she likes him!

There are other things going on besides the health and hygiene situations that are too private to go into. Suffice to say they are worrisome. I know that she must make her own adult decisions. My mother is not incompetent - the problem is - she is not totally competent either. Time will tell.

Today, I am grateful that I can hug my mom and spend this Thanksgiving surrounded by my family.

ps The Grands are here - there will be photos to come!!!!

journey to a new life

Just Reporting from Seven Years In...

Love and Light

Mother --- the next chapter

The Annual Vigil

The "L" Word

Where to Begin

The First Sacred Journey Retreat - A Success!

Paraphrase of Walt Whitman by my friend: Louis Alemayehu

Messengers

On the Eve of another Birthday.....

The Beginning of the End

Life is Precious

Leading with My Heart

The Grief Project

Reflections on the Eve of a Launching a Dream

Oh Dear

Update Two

Update......

Well

Baby Steps

After Changes Upon Changes

Celebrate Life!!

Walking the Widow Road

Juggling......

Choices

Blessings for the New Year

Reflections

Whoa - it's been too long ------

Gratitude

I like not only to be loved, but also to be told that I am loved.

I am not sure that you are of the same mind, but the realm of silence is large enough beyond the grave.

This is the world of light and speech, and Ishall take leave to tell you that you are very dear.

- George Eliot

Wordless

Decisions....

The Journal

The November Vigil Begins.......

The Invitation

What I Know Tonight

Just a Drive By

Meeting the Woman I Have Become

Laughter and Love

Building Community

Unconditional Love

Breathing

The Past is Approved - The Future is Open

Nine Nine Two Thousand Ten

Nine Nine Ninety-Five

Happy Happy Joy Joy

Learning, Laughing, Growing

Life After Death

Alive and Loving It

Amazement

Summer Dwindling

Happy Blog Birthday

Still on the Planet

Sadness

Quite by Accident

On the Eve of a Birthday

Napa Valley

Memorial Day

Be Content

Summer is on the Way

The VOICE

I stand in the Present

In My Backyard

Wish You Were Here

Staycation!!!

Happy Birthday

I'm Ready.....

Rest and Relaxation

Moving......

Time for Outdoor Living

My Tattoo Experience

Here it Is!!!

Today is the Day

A sure sign of Spring

Reflections

Wandering Aimlessly Through this Weekend

This is the world of light and speech, and I
shall take leave to tell you that you are very dear.