The Days of Remembrance

If you have been a reader of this blog for long, you know November is the month my husband died. I found him on the bedroom floor on November 11 and his spirit left his body on November 14. It is nearly five years since this journey of loss and bereavement began. In some ways it seems like forever - in some ways a few heartbeats.

In the early days of widowhood from the depths of misery and desolation, I cried out, "when will this be over?" It was a question I asked so many of the widowed that had walked the path ahead of me. I now know the answer to that question. It is "never". It changes but it is never "over" and I suppose it is not supposed to be.

This journey has left its mark. I see the invisible stigmata of widowhood writ large upon my life. I am not the same person who walked out of Woodwinds Hospital alone that Sunday morning. I am a better, more caring and more present person. I am stronger and more resilient. I have good boundaries and I choose carefully how I spend my time and with whom I do so. I have spent a great deal of solitary time the last 5 years and it has been important. I am not lonely (except for missing you know who) in fact, I relish my time alone.

I have wept more tears than I thought one woman could ever produce. I have been held close by my friends and held them close in return. I have been blessed with sisters and brothers of the heart and soul who have been my stalwart companions on this broken road of loss and grief. We have held each others hands as we traveled towards the light - even in the days of being in the black hole of suffering and mourning - we helped each other steer towards the light. My mantra from the depths of the black hole was, "what I am supposed to learn while I am down here AGAIN."

Today - I feel whole - I feel the loss of Tom has been integrated into my life. I am no longer broken. I will long for this man until the hour of my own death - I will shed tears, I will awake in the middle of the night and suddenly remember what was lost. My memories are sweet. I knew unconditional love. I miss my lover, my friend, my flyboy, my husband. And every year, this will be the time of remembrance. That is just the way it is.

I AM WORKING ON IT

Here's who I want to be when I grow up ------

Happy Halloween

BOO - this is my "ghost" jack o' lantern - it is one of those white punkins - I am such a kid. I love carving jack o' lanterns! This is a sacred night for many - the night where the veil between the living world and those who have passed over is very, very thin.

Blessings and fun.........

Listening to the Still Small Voice

"How do geese know when to fly to the sun? Who tells them the seasons? How do we, humans know when it is time to move on? As with the migrant birds, so surely with us, there is a voice within if only we would listen to it, that tells us certainly when to go forth into the unknown."

~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Remembering Michael

Today is the one-year anniversary of the passing of my dear friend, mentor and brother in spirit, Michael Groh. Michael was a unique, dynamic and adventurous soul - a true entrepreneur, a brilliant strategist and (at times) overwhelming presence. I was fortunate to meet Michael in 1993, right at the outset of my tenure as the Executive Director of a statewide child abuse prevention organization. Michael had been involved since the late 1970's as a supporter, consultant, advisor and co-creator of bringing this *at the time* very special parent-driven program to our state.

After our first lunch, Michael volunteered to become an advisor to the me and to the organization, which was experiencing very serious internal problems. He not only served as an advisor - he became our strategic planning consultant twice in the nearly 10 years I served the organization and helped us to develop a more positive culture in the early days. He was on hand to help identify obstacles to success and brainstorm possible solutions but he also ALWAYS helped to point out and to celebrate our successes no matter how big or small. Michael was good at calling BS and good at helping us think new thoughts.

On the personal front = Michael became my friend. He supported my decision to leave the organization and helped me to see my way to developing this consulting business that lives and thrives today as the Dendros Group. We had many, many lunches - especially sushi - and many, many long phone and park bench conversations over the years. We were there for one another in our individual loss and grief journeys - we were present and stood witness to many personal triumphs and achievements. I miss him dearly.

Today - I celebrate Michael's life. Michael worked nationally and internationally for more than 40 years helping nonprofit organizations and their leaders make tough decisions, formulate and implement strategy, develop strong income streams, and most importantly step into and live up to their highest aspirations. Michael - thank you for being in my life - it was and remains a blessing. Rest in Peace. You live in our hearts forever.

500 Posts

The fourth anniversary of this blog was in June. Four years.

I began this blog journey in the dark - in a raw place of loss and grief. When I began to write I never thought about anyone else reading - I just needed a place to pour out the hurt. I needed a place write my heart. The blog was a place to prove I was still on the earth and to cry out for the one who had left me behind.

In four years I have been transformed. In four years I have found you - my blog buddies, my friends, my sisters and brothers in sorrow. I have found new hope. I have learned to laugh again. The past few months my posts have been quite sporadic even so, I love this blog and I love each of you who have held my hand, given me encouragement, shared your own life journeys.

So tonight - Five Hundred Posts. I am struggling a bit right now and yet I know - that everything I need is right here - I need to continue to listen to my heart - follow my intuition - I send my love and hugs across the miles between to each of you.

Om Shanti.

Changes Upon Changes

I have been reorganizing my house - that has required that I look through many things - boxes of photos, vacation mementos, silly little gifts tucked into the corner of a drawer, theater tickets safely hidden in a jewelry stand --- all the things that bring Tom so close inside my heart.

Yes, some of the reorganizing is like a new wind blowing through the house and some of it evokes memories so vivid that they lacerate my heart. Forget the new wind blowing for a minute.

Next month will be five years since his Angel Day - five years, one half of a decade. Yes, I know he is dead - that's right he is dead.

All I can say tonight is --- is I want MY husband back.

Summer's End

The summer went by so rapidly. My consulting assignment was very demanding and now it is about done. The new Executive started her work a week ago and I am only helping to orient and make a smooth transition for everyone.

My dearest, best friend J arrived with her husband in late August. The first day she was here she slipped and fell and broke her wrist, which required surgery. She stayed an extra nearly two weeks to recuperate and her husband went home. My friend V left the end of August and is home packing to move to Minnesota. Big changes ahead my darling blog buddies.


As you can see from my photos - one of things I promised to myself and delivered on this summer was preserving food for the winter. I have canned raspberry jam, ginger peach jam, crab apple jelly, dilled green beans, pickled beets, whole tomatoes, tomato sauce, tomato paste, sauerkraut and made frozen pesto. Applesauce and apple butter are on the schedule for next weekend. It is great to capture the bounty of summer's goodness and look forward to eating it next winter.

I know I have been MIA but I am back and have lots of new things on my horizon. I hope you are enjoying these last days of summer as Autumn arrives - today is very blustery and even I little chilly - I started the wood pellet stove this morning to take the chill off and it is so cozy and pretty.

Take care - a lot more to come.....

Nine Nine O Nine

Tomorrow - the anniversary of the day Tom and I married. Tom loved our wedding date - when we set it he said, "nine, nine" how can I ever forget. I think he was talking about more than the date. :-)

We reveled in our nine, nine, ninety-nine celebration without a thought that one of us might not be here for the next set of "9's".

Last night I laid in my bed and longed for my husband - I know, I know in the deepest part of me, I know he is gone from this earth - yet I just want to hold him and be held in his arms one more time.

I have walked this path of grief, of pain, of healing, of coming to my own terms of the loss of the love of my life. The days of wild-eyed wailing are over. And yet, last night I hugged the pillow and cried - not the gut wrenching sobs of the past - but the tears born of the ache I will always have for HIM - my man, my companion, my friend, my teacher, my love. Remembering.

Catching Up.......................

This is the longest I have gone without posting in the four years that I have been tending to this blog. It seems very strange = here is my story.

Of course, I am still doing the executive transition project - it is nearly done, the new CEO begins September 21! I shall be released! The work has been crazy-making and one of the most profound blessings in my entire consulting career.

My friend V was here for a month and we had a lovely time. He has decided to relocate here from Seattle and will return in October - much more about that to come. :=)

My best friend J arrived on August 23 - a few hours after getting here, she slipped, fell and broke her wrist in 4 places. She had surgery on August 27 and has been staying with me to recuperate. It has been a very trying time for her = painful and filled with tons of heavy duty pills, therapy and rest. She is healing nicely though and the rehab therapist tells us that she is going to have a complete recovery of the use of her wrist and hand.

Yesterday was the Farmers Market and as you can see from the photos, I put up ginger peach jam. I made pesto for the freezer (and our tummies last night). Downstairs is 60 pounds of tomatoes awaiting the canner later today, which I will tackle after I go to my personal trainer for a Pilates session this morning.

J has her follow-up session with her surgeon on Tuesday and is departing for home on Wednesday. Twelve days later we welcome the new Executive to the beloved organization. Once she is on board - I will have plenty of spare time.

Even though I haven't been posting, I have done my best to drop by my dear blog buddies' sites. I hope you are still dropping by here for a visit and I promise that I am truly back on the planet.

As summer turns her face towards Autumn I hope you are enjoying these waning days of warmth and the bounty of the harvest. The journey continues....... Namaste

Still on the Planet

Life is rolling along. I am beginning the end of this all-consuming, 5 month long organizational transition project. It has been an amazing journey of service, hard work and many lessons. The economy is taking such a toll on nonprofit organizations. I have been engaged in this work for the past 22 years and I have NEVER seen such a tough funding community. It is frightening - things will be more difficult in the funding arena in 2010. I do not know what we will do to serve the least among us - those needing the basics - food, shelter, health care, freedom from abuse --- safety and security.

I expect to be about done and welcome the new Executive Director of this organization sometime around September 15 - I will spend a bit of time helping her get oriented and then I will have a break. What a blessing - I haven't had much summer this year.

My friend V is still here and we are enjoying our time together - it is much different to have this be more than a visit - just everyday life.

My bestest friend, J and her husband are arriving for a visit on Sunday and it will be fun to take a few days off and just play. I hope you are all enjoying your summer. I will be more present soon. Namaste.

Life Moves Forward

My friend Vince arrived from Seattle last night. He is staying for a month. We are trying this on for size. Walking a new path. I will keep you posted. Yes, life does go on.

The Bounty of Summer Begins

Yesterday, I canned 10 half pints of raspberry jam, put up 3 quarts of dilled green beans and dried a lot of my homegrown herbs. It is very satifying to preserve food for the winter. It will be so nice to open one of those jars and taste the summer sunshine in a glistening spoonful of raspberry jam. It is particularly important to me because I can control the amount of sugar - this jam is made primarily with light agave syrup and a bit of organic cane sugar. The agave syrup is much lower on the glycemic index scale and better for you than a big blast of refined sugar. I put some of the jam in a small container to use now and it is good.

When my children were small I did a lot of summer canning. This year, I made a personal pledge to preserve as much local food as I can for the winter ahead.

The Farmer's Market and my own little container garden are bursting with summer's bounty. I had so much fun yesterday - I am bitten by the bug.

Soon - Soon - Soon

Things are going to slow down a bit now for me - I am beginning my deliberate start out of the organization in transition. We are in the early stages of Executive Director interviews.

I come to an organization in transition and from the first day I prepare to leave. Now is the time to make it more transparent to everyone in the agency. Soon, I will leave like: water across thee elements or water off a duck's back, quack, quack. That is the beauty of doing this work - arrive, work side by side and work hard - and leave without a ripple.

I will be posting more regularly very soon. Thanks for your kind words of support - it is a tremendous mission to provide safe sanctuary and support to battered women and their children. Mission matters!

Summer in Minnesota

However, one would never know it from our weather the last few days. It is socks and sweatshirt weather with zero sunshine. This is NOT what we are used to here in the Northland. Even in the winter - it may be cold - but it is sunny. We get a grumpy after a few gray, cloudy days.


Here are a few photos I snapped with my IPhone when I came home from Pilates this morning. I also harvested my first zucchini, which I will eat for dinner tonight - it is so neat to grow these things in containers - nature is amazing. More photos to come - I will take some tomorrow with my camera.

It has been a very difficult week - a very difficult week - OK, OK, OK - I won't repeat myself again. I am delighted to be home - rain, sun, clouds - no matter. I am here and going to read, write in my journal, watch a movie and just relax. I hope your weekend is all you need it to be.